Peach Viewer Mail
by Hoogiman
Summary: Chapter 24 Out! Peach and her friends have matured now and are entering their first year of college! But what they don't know is that they will be met with an array of pranks and bad influences that will try and get them expelled! TailsAmy PeachDK AU yaoi
1. Ep 1: Daisy

**Peach Answers Viewer Mail**

**Episode One**

"Hello!" said Peach. "You might know me as Peach! Well, Bowser gave me the keys back to my bedroom and stopped sneaking in alcohol in my mocktails, so I've got a low budget studio in my bedroom!"

Peach looked at the audience dumbly, and then looked back at the camera.

"Yes, that's right, a studio in my bedroom!"

Peach looked around a bit, looked at her watch, and then looked back at the camera.

"So now I've got a show, right here at Smash Mansion!"

"Yoshi!" screamed Yoshi. _"Let me go Peach out of these handcuffs! No one wants to read your dumb story anyway!"_

"Can't hear you Yoshi! And in my show, I will answer letters that my viewers send into me… live!" explained Peach. "Letter one!"

Peach pressed the enter key on her computer, and looked at her computer.

"Dear Peach,

Why don't you give everyone computers, like in Random stuff happens? I liked it when you had computers!

_J. Palmers, AL,_" read Peach.

"Well J. Palmers, I think everyone has computers here, or why would I be typing on one? Or alcohol! Or Vodka? Stupid!" giggled Peach.

A couple of people in the audience laughed uncertainly.

"Stupid!" giggled Peach.

Some passers by glanced at the padded cell.

"Letter two!"

"Dear Peach,

Why don't you do something interesting?

_Signed, Daisy_

P.S. **JUST BECAUSE I BEAT YOU AT TENNIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE ME MY TENNIS RACQUET BACK!**" read Peach.

"Well, I guess you're a sore loser, Daisy!" complained Peach, in a childish voice. Letter… one… two… uh… THREE!"

"Dear Peach,

Let me go!

Yoshi," read Peach.

"Hehehehe, let's forget about that incident!" said Peach glancing nervously at the camera, pressing the enter button.

"Dear username-peach,

Download this game, and send it to a lot of people!

From qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm," read Peach.

"OKAY!" said Peach in a slightly disturbing tone.

Peach downloaded the file and sent it to everyone.

_Three seconds later…_

Peach walked out of the studio dragging Yoshi along holding a camera, going into Falcon's room.

_Do you want to play a cool game? Do you want to impress chicks?_ A message popped up on Falcon's screen.

"Would I?" said Falcon.

_Well give us your credit card details, or if you're a minor, get you're daddy's card!_

Falcon grabbed his credit card, and punched in his details.

_Sending money to Peach…_

_Later, in the studio_

"With all that money Falcon sent me, I can get a screwdriver that could take the lens cap off, so people can actually see me!"

Peach smiled dumbly at the camera, while Yoshi, with a giant ball dragging on his feet struggled to get out.

**The end**

I am truly, truly sorry.


	2. Ep 2: Popular

**Peach Answers Viewer Mail**

**Episode Two**

_Peach likes to screw things_

"Hello!" said Peach. "Peach Answers Viewer Mail is filmed in front of a live studio audience!"

Peach looked at Toad nailed up to the wall, and Bowser being forced to sit down and watch Peach, and then looked back at the camera.

"And my show is really popular!"

Some tumbleweed rolled in front of the camera.

"My show is really popular!"

Toad angrily threw a tomato at Peach.

"My show is really popular!"

A big sign saying: 'No, it isn't' rolled down behind Peach.

"My show is really popular!"

Bowser, using his teeth tried to take Peach out of the vision of the camera, using a cane.

"My show is really popular!"

Toad coughed.

"My show is really popular!"

Toad coughed 433 times really loudly.

"My show is really popular!"

Everything in the room started to melt.

"My show is really popular?"

Bowser and Toad stared at Peach.

"Uh… Letter one!"

Peach pressed the enter key on the keyboard.

"Dear Peach,

Why don't you take the lens cap off your camera, so I can use Mario Painthouse™ to crop off your head, and paste it on a horse's body?

Yours truly,

_S. Palmerson, FL,_" read Peach.

"You're right, after all, I like to screw things!" replied Peach.

Peach looked at Bowser.

"Get it, things?" asked Peach, smiling.

Bowser laughed uncertainly, while using his teeth to try and remove his handcuffs.

"Off to work!" announced Peach.

Peach ran to the cupboard inside her room.

"Oh look, it's my first book!" said Peach, tossing it behind her. "And it's my teddy bear!"

Bowser looked at the giant bear with blood pouring and gashing out of it.

"And it's my little toy pony! Oops, my painting fell out, better nail gun it back in!" said Peach.

**In Zelda's room:**

Zelda sat on her chair, leaning back into the wall.

"Hmm… hmm… AAH! AAAH! OH NO! OH NO! THE PAIN! THE HORROR!" screamed Zelda, as nails pierced her spine.

**Back in Peach's room:**

"Oops, I missed!" said Peach. "Better do it again!"

**In Zelda's room:**

"Aah, I removed the sharp nail from my back, guess I can lean ba…. GAAAH! OH GAAAH! GRAAH AAAH! AAAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAHJ! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHGJHGJHGSJGDH!" screamed Zelda.

(Happy now Cristalicios?)

**Back to Peach's room:**

"Here's my, 'My first tool kit' set!" said Peach, hugging it.

Peach took out a screwdriver, and started to screw. Suddenly, the smoke alarm went off.

_30 seconds later_

"Well, I've been taken into custody, but anyway, by for now!"

Peach got dragged away, wrapped up in blankets.

Zelda ran quickly into the room.

"Want to avoid nail gun accidents?" asked Zelda. "Well, teach your kiddies using the Harry the Hawk nail gun safety program! You receive a complimentary booklet and guinea pig when you order!"


	3. Ep 3: Driving

Peach Viewer Mail

Episode 3: Driving

"Welcome to, Peach Viewer Mail!" announced Peach. "All our studio tickets have been sold out, so it should be a good show!"

Peach looked at Toad, Yoshi and Bowser handcuffed to a chair.

"Hehehe! Indeedly pancakes!" said Peach.

Everyone stared at Peach.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

Peach pressed the enter keyboard on the computer.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Please explain why after you returned my tennis racquets, they had chew marks on them?_

_Signed,_

_Daisy._"

"Well Daisy, there's a simple explanation for this…" said Peach nervously.

Peach took the charger out of her laptop, and then smashed it against the wall three times. She turned the computer on again.

"Letter two!" said Peach, happily.

Peach pressed the enter key on her computer.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Can you drive?_

_Daisy._

_P.S. WHY PEACH? WHY?_"

"Hehehe! The wise muffin endorses this show!" said Peach.

Peach looked at the victims handcuffed to a chair, and then gave them all an angry look.

"Applause!" said Peach.

Bowser, Toad and Yoshi looked at Peach blankly.

"Fine then," said Peach, angrily. "My nail gun will applause!"

Peach took out her nail gun, stroked it, and then accidentally discharged a nail into Bowser's left eye.

"Now will you applause?" asked Peach, pointing the nail gun threateningly at Toad and Yoshi.

Toad and Yoshi nervously clapped, Yoshi muttered: 'I'll keep her distracted while you call the police', under his breath.

"Heh, that's funny! I thought you were blue!" said Peach.

Peach looked angrily at Toad and Yoshi.

"Laugh!" ordered Peach.

Toad and Yoshi laughed in a fake manner.

"You're not laughing hard enough!" said Peach, shooting Toad with a nail gun. "Now will you laugh, Yoshi?"

Yoshi started laughing hard, but then he realised he was almost about to meet his fate, and then started laughing and crying.

**THE END**


	4. Ep 4: Jokes

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 4: Jokes

"Hello, welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. "The audience is very excited today!"

Peach looked at Link, who was blindfolded, and tied to a chair.

"Give yourselves a round of applause!" said Peach, cheerfully.

Peach opened a sound file on her computer, which sounded like an applause track.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Peach smiled dumbly at the camera.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

Peach opened her e-mail program.

"_Dear Peach,_

Since you've cut the phone cables, your e-mail program doesn't work,

Please Die,  
The Phone Company"

Peach looked angrily at Link.

"Bowser, can you fix this?" asked Peach.

"First of all Peach, I'm not Bowser, and I can't exactly fix your computer because I've been **_BLINDFOLDED_**!" said Link to Peach, in an exasperated tone.

"Well, I guess you'll have to egg the farmer's bacon service provider!" said Peach.

Peach stared blankly at Link.

"You don't get it…" said Peach, to Link.

"No, I don't…" said Link to Peach, angrily.

Peach stared at Link for a while, trying to understand, and then looked at her computer screen.

"Letter 2!" said Peach.

_"Dear Peach,_

You're so stupid that if there were two of you, your combined IQ would be negative!

Ba-boom TISH!

The Phone Company"

Peach looked at the letter, and then giggled a bit.

"Hehe! Zoo laced laptop!" said Peach.

Peach stared at Link, trying to get out of the ropes tying him up, and then frowned.

"You don't get it…" said Peach.

"No! I don't!" said Link, to Peach.

"Well, everyone gets it!" said Peach.

Jigglypuff ran into Peach's room, and started rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

"See?" asked Peach.

"That's just Jigglypuff! She's almost dumber than you!" said Link, angrily.

Peach opened her cupboard, grabbed Mario (who was gagged), took the rope out of his mouth, and gassed him.

"Ha ha! Ha ha! Oh-a please! Stop it!" said Mario, laughing.

"Is that gas?" asked Link.

"Uh…" said Peach.

Peach took the gas and sprayed the whole room with it, causing everyone to hallucinate and suffocate to death.

"Hello!" said a giant talking hamster in Peach's hallucinations.

"Hello, Hughie the giant hallucinated hamster!" said Peach.

"Hello!" said the hamster. "We're missing one member in the ministry for candy, so I guess you can be part of it!"

"YEY!111" said Peach.

"Oh no! Watch out, it's Sam the Steam Train!" said the talking hamster.

"Aah! I'm going very fast along the tracks and I'm heading for a ditch! Quickly Peach!" said an anthropomorphic steam train.

"Letter three!" said Luigi, flying upside down in a green helicopter.

"Dear Peach,

You are cool.  
Does your mom cook special brownies for you when you have a hangover?

Love Mario

PS: I'm Naked," read Ness.

"Cookies!" said Peach.

"THEY ARE COMING!" said Kirby.

"Yay!" said Peach.

**The end.  
**I am so sorry.

Want to send Peach Mail?  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php


	5. Ep 5: Not funny

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 5: Not funny

"Hi, and welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. "Our audience today is a bit tied up- ha, ha, get it? Tied up?"

Peach smiled and looked at Luigi and Bowser, who had been strung up back-to-back in the corner.

Silence.

"Anyway," said Peach, "first letter!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why did you 'accidentally' put Pichu in the oven last Thanksgiving?_

_Just wanting to know (but secretly waiting to zap you)_

_Your 'friend' Pikachu"_

"Pichu!" giggled Peach. "Isn't he that purple dinosaur?" She looked at the audience. "Get it? Dinosaur?"

Tumbleweed blew through Peach's room.

"Anyway," said Peach, "I enjoy cooking all kinds of things like, uh, food. Get it? Food?"

"Let us out-a, Peach!" said Luigi.

Peach hit him with a golf club, earning his silence.

Pikachu walked into the room, looking furious.

"Eek! Rat!" said Peach, horrified. She leapt at Pikachu and started stomping on him. Starting to enjoy herself, she broke into her infamous Peach Tap-Dance.

"Pika!" screamed Pikachu as everything went dark for him.

"Yay!" said Peach. "Everyone, applaud!"

Bowser did his best to clap with his hands tied, but it wasn't enough. "Not good enough!" said Peach, walking over to Bowser and pouring a bottle of perfume over his face, turning it an exotic shade of - pink.

"HELP US!" screamed Link, bouncing past the window on a pogo stick.

"I LIEK THE ABSTrAKt ARRT?" asked Mario, turning into a butterfly with wings of the darkness BOOMPH.

"Letter number 2!" pronounced Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Did Mario rob Hot Topics for you? Oh, and don't lie to me, I've seen your closet._

_From Daisy._

_PS. Give me the stupid castle back already! I own it!"_

"I'm sorry, I don't speak Smart!" said Peach. "Get it? I'm stupid?"

"No," said Bowser impatiently. "We all _know_ how stereotypically dumb you are. Why can't you-"

"Time for our annual cookie opening special!" smiled Peach.

"Man this sucks," said Bowser.

"It looks as if our audience is completely knocked out!" giggled Peach. "Get it? _Knocked_ out?"

"I'm not kno- oh." Bowser cringed, realising that he was about to meet his fate.

"Take that, alternative scissor toes!" screamed Peach, brandishing the golf club.

"Pika…" moaned Pikachu, who looked up, noticed the golf club, and had enough time to yelp loudly before being battered to a bloody pulp.

"Time for the laugh track!" said Peach, hitting herself in the head with the club.

**The end.  
**Please forgive me.

(Due to hoogiman's forgetting to eat the bingo beans, most of this chapter was written by his brother tikitikirevenge.)

Want to send Peach Mail? Try visiting:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php


	6. Ep 6: Fashion Sense

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 6: Fashion Sense

"Hi, and welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. Her eyes narrowed accusingly. "_Some_ people have been spreading nasty lies about the show! Did you know someone said this wasn't that funny?"

Peach leapt and grabbed Bowser by the throat. "_You_ told them this was supposed to be funny! It's not! This is a very, very, _very_ serious show about… uh… line?"

Toad whispered something in Peach's ear.

"Right," said Peach. "Uh… this is a very, very serious show about the… uh… line?"

Toad whispered something in Peach's ear.

"Okay," said Peach. "Uh… a serious show about the wonderful world of… uh… line?"

Toad whispered something in Peach's ear.

"Stop it!" said Peach. "I don't like you any more! I wish you would go away!" She grabbed Toad and tossed him out of the window. He yelled all the way down, but luckily landed on something soft – Kirby. Poor Toad.

"Anyway, today's episode features a very special guest in our audience – it's Link!"

"This sucks," said Link. "Untie me now."

"As you can see," said Peach, "our audience is a bit linky right now! Get it? Linky?" she smiled at the audience.

Bowser, Link and Yoshi glanced at each other uncertainly, then made faked laughs.

"Ooh," said Peach. "Letter number one is from Link's _girlfriend_ Ze… Zebla? Zebra? Zelbra? Seltar? Home Renovation Kit?"

"_Dear Peach,_

_STOP STEALING MY DRESSES!_

_From Zelda_

_P.S. GET YOUR OWN COLOR!_"

"Oops," said Peach. "Zelda seems to want Link to give her back her dresses. I wonder why Link was so mean?"

"That letter was for YOU!" shouted Link.

"Why, so it was," said Peach. "Uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… this isn't Zelda's dress!" She held it up, pointing at a large red stain in the middle. "That's not part of the pattern on Zilger's… uh… Zelda's dress!"

"Yoshi Yoshi Yoshi?" said Yoshi. _"Do I want to know what the stain is?"_

"Wait," said Bowser. "How can you hold up your dress when you're still wearing it? Oh. You can't. You aren't." Bowser closed his eyes and started crying, emotionally scarred for life.

"Free bowling balls!" shouted Peach, throwing one at Bowser's head, knocking him out.

Yoshi started screaming hysterically.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why do you always wear that pink dress?_

_Anonymous._"

"Because it's MY dress!" screamed Peach, throwing something at someone. "Not Zelda's! _Bad_ muffin! Bad muffin…"

"Let us out!" said Link.

"Are you a _prince_?" asked Peach sweetly.

"No?"

"Then DIE!" Peach threw a coat hanger at Link. It didn't do anything.

Link and Yoshi exchanged looks.

"Uh… die!" Peach threw a steel crate loaded with coat hangers at Link. It knocked him out cold.

"Letter three! Is Yoshi dead? Eat pineapples!" Peach laughed at her rather funny joke.

Yoshi laughed too, but then realised that Peach was about to coat-hanger him to death, and started crying.

**The end.**

I am truly sorry.

(Hoogiman's brother tikitikirevenge wrote this chapter when Hoogi wasn't looking.)

Want to send Peach Mail? Try visiting:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php


	7. Ep 7: Back in Pink

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 7: Back in Pink

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach, tripping over her head. "Ow…"

Nobody laughed, as this wasn't supposed to be funny.

"Okay," said Peach. "Uh… as you can see today, my name is Peach!"

The audience (Yoshi chained to the wall and Ness bound by ropes) stared uncomprehendingly.

Peach giggled and turned on her ice-cream melter. "Letter one!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Give me my dress back!_

_From Marth_

_PS. I'm very angry, now._"

Peach's eyes widened. "IT'S NOT TRUE! I didn't steal no dress!" She looked around wildly, then settled on Yoshi. "_You_… you told them those nasty lies!"

Yoshi shook his head frantically. This could only end in his untimely demise. Yoshi did not want an untimely demise.

Luckily for him, Peach turned around at the last minute, and smeared green lipstick all over her face. "Yay!" she said. "Roller quiche! Uh… letter two!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why does Fox always have a PINK Arwing when he visits?_

_Signed,  
The entire Star Fox team (okay, just Krystal – same thing)._"

"It's all lies!" screamed Peach hysterically. "I don't paint people's things pink! How dare you say that?"

"WAUGH!" screamed Mario, who was being kidnapped by a large ball of Dark Matter.

Peach picked up a Chef's frying pan (only $1198!) and started whacking Yoshi the friendly green dinosaur-esque thing with it. "YOSHI!" screamed Yoshi, sensing that this was the end for him. "Arararararararar…"

"Of _course_ you didn't paint Fox's ship pink!" said Ness hurriedly before he, too, met the same fate.

"Oh yeah…" said Peach. "It was Samuuurrrrs's ship, wasn't it?"

"Uh… yes… Samus' ship…" Ness mumbled something which sounded like "kill you if she finds out".

"But that's the end of the talking grapefruit!" protested Peach angrily. "Why the grapefruit? _Why the grapefruit?_"

"Hey," said Samus, sticking her head through the window, "do either of you know who painted my- Ness, what are you doing all tied- oh. Uh. Bye." Samus ran off.

"So then why has Fox painted his ship pink?" said Ness.

Fox pranced in, noticed that he was wearing lipstick, and left in quite a hurry.

"Letter three!" said Peach, emphasising the word "letter" in case Ness thought that she was referring to the number of brain cells which she had.

"_Dear Peach,_

_What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?_

_Sincerely,  
Zephyr Analea_

_P.S.: If i say i am your show's number 1 fan, would you please mail Mewtwo-Sama over? Thanks much _"

"AUGH! Email scam!" screamed Peach. "I'm not mailing you _anyone_!"

"Pika pi…" _"Please mail me somewhere else…"_

"NO!" shouted Peach. "I own you all! Now put these pretty frilly dresses on!"

Nobody laughed.

"Get it?" said Peach. "Put? As in, I _put_ something… uh… somewhere?"

Ness started. "The answer to life, the universe and everything is-"

"I HATE YOU ALL!" screamed Peach, throwing 6 lots of 9 pencils at Ness' head. Ness screamed in agony, and never saw Peach striking him to death with a parasol.

Peach then went back to the computer, giggling. "Next letter!"

The computer didn't tell Peach how pretty she was.

"GAH! DIE!" screamed Peach. She clubbed the computer to death.

"Ooh… computers can die?" Peach hit herself in the head with a bottle of arsenic.

**The end.**

I am _soooo_ sorry.

(Hoogiman's brother tikitikirevenge wrote this chapter. He knows that you will read all of _his_ fics now. This is because tikitikirevenge is rather up himself.)

Want to send Peach Mail? Try visiting:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php


	8. Ep 8: Hostages

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 8: Hostage Situation

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. "As you can see, our audience is very, uh… uh… I **hate** rotten beans!" She started to cry.

Yoshi, Bowser and Link, who were today's audience, squirmed. Yoshi tried to reach a nearby computer to call for help, but it was just out of reach.

"Letter one!" said Peach, smiling at her teeth.

"_Dear Peach,_

I love your show! All your jokes are sooo funny! 

I was just wondering... do you have a boyfriend?

Signed: Your loyal and forever fan,  
Ariana NJ"

"Hmm…" said Peach. "Am I really funny, or is it the end?"

"Let us go!" shouted Link.

Peach threw a tomato at him. "Hehehe! Get it? _Tomato_?"

"This sucks," said Bowser, half crying.

"Letter two!" said Peach. Because it was letter _two_, she poked herself in the eye with a _two_-pronged fork.

"_Dear Peach,_

You painted my Arwing and Samus' ship pink! Why the heck are you painting our stuff pink? I think Krystal should know the truth.

Signed  
Fox McCloud 

PS: I'll be the one who will assassinate you if don't stop colouring my Arwing pink - on our ships, you even wrote 'Peach was Here' in pure white!"

"Golly gosh," said Peach, "it seems that this letter is pretending that I'm not an apple tree!"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!" yelled Fox from the next room.

"Okay," said Peach. "I paint people's things pink because… uh… uh…" she ran into Fox's room. While she painted Fox pink, Yoshi struggled with her laptop's keyboard.

Peach returned. "Hi again! Uh… Letter… what number comes after two?"

"_Dear Peach,_

LET US GO!

From Yoshi, Bowser, and Link"

"Oh, you're asking me how I make my cupcakes so good?" said Peach. "I just prepare them with lots of love! Three teaspoons of it! And a bit of tender sugar! Get it? _Teaspoons_?"

Nobody laughed, however, Link moaned in frustration.

"_Dear Peach,_

Have you ever been attacked by a disgruntled postal worker? I find that to be quite a problem for annoying people and small dogs (which are annoying). That is all. Wait, don't pull off the Phantom's mask and don't go to the third corridor. There.

Strangely,  
Nota Lone"

"Hehehe!" said Peach. "Did you know that the letters of your name can be rearranged to form 'No Talone'?" She giggled, because "Talone" doesn't mean anything.

"I'll attack you if you don't let us go," said Bowser.

"WHEEL! OF! BANANAS!" said Peach. "Uh… I've only ever been attacked by _female_ postal workers who looked suspiciously like my good friend Daisy! I hope I've answered your question!"

Peach threw a clock at Bowser, knocking it out. "Ooh! That reminds me! We only have time for one more letter!"

"_Dear Peach,_

This is just a warning...Stay away from my Link.

You have been warned..."  
  
"Hi 'You have been warned'!" said Peach, happily. "I'm an allegretto marker balloon!"

Peach looked at Yoshi, Bowser and Link, and then looked at her dishwasher detergent.

"I guess I'm going to have to free you…" sighed Peach.

Peach looked at Yoshi, Bowser and Link, who were happy, thinking they were going to be released.

"…into Yoshi, Bowser and Link's mouth…" said Peach, sadly.

Peach looked at Yoshi, Bowser and Link, who were quite unsure, and a bit disturbed.

"…dishwasher detergent…" said Peach.

Peach stuffed the cap down Yoshi's throat, poured all the detergent into Link's mouth, and force fed Bowser the bottle.

Peach sighed. "Tomatoes grow up so fast!"

Peach looked at Yoshi, Bowser and Link, who had now passed out.

"Disco time!" said Peach, unstapling her left hand out of the pocket.

Peach looked at Yoshi, getting up, and pressed a button that dropped a disco ball on him.

"I love people!" said Peach.

Peach turned on the stereo, and started dancing. Peach looked at Jigglypuff running in, and then sprayed butter everywhere. Peach pulled out a hand-grenade for a spectacular exit.

Insert spectacular exit.

**The end.  
**Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Want to send Peach Mail? Try visiting:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php


	9. Ep 9: IQ Test

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 9: IQ Test

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. "As you can see, I'm wearing a green dress today!"

"No, you're not," said Bowser. "You're wearing green-tinted sunglasses!"

"Chicken rutabagas," said Peach gaily.

Nobody laughed.

"You don't get it," said Peach, leaning in so that her face was very close to Bowser's.

"Oh, no, I get the joke," said Bowser, "it was very funny! Ha ha ha! Please don't kill me."

Yoshi, who was once again tied up with Bowser, nodded.

"Okay!" said Peach. "Uh… letter one!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Whats your fav food?_

_Signed, Cat._"

"Ooh, _cat_!" said Peach. "Did you know that I once ate a cat?"

Yoshi did not want to think about that. Yoshi _definitely_ did not want to think about that.

"Uh…" said Peach. "I like eating mushrooms and toadstools. This is because I live in the Mushroom Kingdom. Get it?" She smiled brightly at Yoshi. "_King_dom?"

"Arararararararar!" said Yoshi, because he was quite sure that he would never be sane ever again.

"But it's bagels," said Peach. "Oh, well, on to more randomness. Letter two!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_JIGGLYPUFF IS SMARTER THAN YOU, YOU NOTHING-FOR-BRAINS FREAK!  
From Meowth_

_PS. DO NOT TRY TO CAPTURE ME AND TAKE ME HOSTAGE IN YOUR SHOW!_"

"Is it true?" said Peach. "Is Jigglypuff really smarter than me? Let's take – the **unreliable online IQ test**!"

Peach clicked random buttons on her computer screen to bring up an online IQ test, while Yoshi choked on the injustice of it all.

"Right," said Peach, "let's take this test! Hmm… if a cow has four legs and a person has two legs, how many legs does a cow have? Wow, these questions sure are tricky…" She pondered.

"The answer is FOUR!" shouted Bowser. "It's four already, you hear me?"

"I think it might be two," said Peach, "because that number appeared in the question." Peach randomly clicked buttons to answer the rest of the questions.

"Ooh!" said Peach. "My results came in – and I'm an unofficial Complete Loser!"

"Oh, really?" said Bowser sarcastically. Even Yoshi smirked slightly.

Peach gasped in delight. "Ooh, and it says my IQ is lower that Jigglypuff's!"

Yoshi and Bowser's mouths dropped. "But – but it lists Jigglypuff as having zero IQ!"

"Ooh…" said Peach. "Does that mean, I'm, like, stuff?" She giggled inanely for about twelve minutes.

"Anyway," she said, "letter three!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Do you get sick of everyone saying they're better then you? -Skyqueen3_"

"Uh… no!" said Peach.

"Yeah, because everyone _is_ better than you," said Bowser.

"Exactly!" said Peach, excited. She gave Bowser a big, happy hug.

"Oh, _yuck_," said Bowser. "Get off. GET OFF!"

Peach kissed him on the nose, causing Bowser to choke on his own disgust, and skipped back to her laptop. "Uh… letter four!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why is my boyfriend GAGGED AND TIED IN YOUR CLOSET!_

_Signed,  
Krystal, again_

_PS: I'm really peeved now. If you do one more thing to Fox, I'll give you a migraine until your head explodes..._"

"Too late!" said Peach. "My head has already exploded. Get it? _Head_?"

_So that's what that banging noise in the closet was_, thought Yoshi.

Peach walked over to her closet. "As you can see, Fox isn't _really_ gagged and tied! He's just pretending!" She smiled at the audience, then opened the closet and threw Fox out.

"Uh…" said Bowser, "move a wee bit closer to my feet."

Fox shuffled closer, and Bowser started clawing at Fox's ropes.

"Okay," said Peach, "today's show was really exciting, and everything is green, so, uh, letter five!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_How do you pull out a Bob-Omb from the ground?_

_Signed,  
Master Disaster_

_P.S.: Why do you like pink so much?_"

"Uh…" said Peach. "I don't like pink; pink likes me!" She giggled at her own joke.

Fox broke free and untied Bowser and Yoshi.

"Well," said Peach, "pulling stuff out of the ground is like an art! Watch…" She pulled a Bob-omb out of the ground.

"Yoshi!" said Yoshi in joy! They were free!

"Here," said Peach, "hold this." She gave Yoshi the Bob-omb.

Yoshi, Bowser and Fox stared at it.

"Uh… I like cows!" said Peach.

"Ararararararararararar…" said Yoshi, realising that he was about to meet his fate.

**The end.  
**I'm still sorry. Really I am.

(Hoogiman ran off again, so his older (and better) brother tikitikirevenge has once again guest authored this chapter. Oh, and I've been asked to tell you that the next Amazing Race chapter is coming within a week at most.)

Want to send Peach Mail? Try visiting:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php


	10. Ep 10: Accquired Taste

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 10: Acquired Taste

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail – tenth episode special!" said Peach. "As you can see, our audience is kind of, uh, stuck in a barrel right now! Get it?" She smiled. "Barrel?"

Peach noticed the lack of laughs, presumably because the audience was stuck in a barrel. 

"Anyway," said Peach, "letter one!"

"_Dear Peach,_

Your show is carp. And you are very, very stupid.

Eternal Smasher

P.S. Honestly. You are very, very, mind-numbingly stupid. GO TO SCHOOL! LEARN TO READ! WATCH PBS! AND STOP DOING DRUGS!"

"Carp?" said Peach. "I like eating carp – raw! Get it? _I_?"

Yoshi, Ness, Captain Falcon and Bowser coughed. Bowser coughed too much, and suffocated from a rare form of helium.

"Here, Yoshi," said Peach, "have some fish!" She pulled a fish out from under her skirt (icky) and pushed it into Yoshi's mouth, gagging him.

"I can't see my hands in here!" came Bowser's muffled voice.

"That's nice," said Peach, "but that might not be real! Letter two!"

"_Dear Peach,  
Why do you keep sneaking into my tournaments? You always throw rotten turnips with faces._

Sincerely,  
IamNotaHand

P.S. I am **not** Master Hand, I'd explain who I am, but my brother Crazy is...I mean...SHUT UP Peach!111111oneone"

"Turnips?" said Peach. "I'll show you turnips!" She walked out of the room and giggled a bit.

"Hey," said Bowser, "could you get your foot out of my eye, Yoshi?"

"I'm not Yoshi," said Captain Falcon.

"Oh, you – AUGH!"

Peach came back in with Master and Crazy Hand. "Because this is a special episode, I have a special surprise for you!"

"Are you leaving here forever?" said Master Hand hopefully.

"No," said Peach. "TURNIPS! MUAH HA HA HA HA!" She giggled insanely and started pelting the two giant hands with turnips.

All too soon, the room filled with the smell of turnip. "No…" murmured Master Hand, clawing at air, as he sagged to the ground. "I don't want to go… not like this…"

And the two hands fell to the ground one last time.

"Anyway," continued Peach brightly, "you can see that the turnips I threw at them were _not_ rotten at all, thank you very much!" She smiled. "Turnips are an acquired taste!"

"I suppose carp is too?" said Bowser, disgusted. Yoshi cringed. Together, Captain Falcon, Bowser and Yoshi tried to break out of the barrel, with little success.

"Letter three!" said Peach, tripping over her arms.

"_Dear Peach,_

Do you eat worms and why do you have to be a princess?

Signed, Chibibubble

P.S.: Have Master Hand and Crazy Hand as hostage instead."

"Well, Mister Miss Sir Doctor Lady Bubble," said Peach grandly, "I am a princess because I come from a long line of, uh, very royal, princess-y people. My full princess name is-" she cleared her throat- "her respected and very wise majesty the Princess… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… Peach."

"That's not a name!" said Captain Falcon. "Wait – you eat worms?"

"Oh, it's an acquired taste," said Bowser sarcastically.

"No," said Peach, "they always taste nice. How dare you? Six! Fourteen men in a sinking pirate ship!"

Looking at the rest of the letter, Yoshi noted that it was slightly too late to hold Master and Crazy Hand as hostages.

"Letter four!"

"_Dear Peach,_

Ha, ha! I'm smarter than you! Loser! Loser! Uh...hold on...what was my name again...oh!

From pigglyjuff – no, from IgglypuffJ, no, from… oh! From Jigglypuff.

P.S. Ha ha! You're...uh...stupid!"_  
_  
"See how very respectful she is to me?" said Peach. "She obviously heard the good news about my IQ test!"

"Oh, man," sighed Bowser. "Could you let us out? Please?"

"Pardon, I just had my underestimated blue machine on!" giggled Peach.

Peach looked at everybody staring at her.

"Uh… letter!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

If you accidentally kill Mario, wanna go out sometime?

Much love,  
Captain Falcon"  
**  
**"Hard question, I guess I'll ask Jeeves!" said Peach, happily.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach angrily.

Peach stared.

"Laugh!" said Peach angrily.

Luigi started to shrink.

"Treason for buttercups!" said Peach.

Peach looked at the barrel, and then made it air-tight.

"Jeeves, if you accidentally kill Mario, wanna go out sometime?" asked Peach.

Peach pressed the enter key on the keyboard.

"Even though I am just a search engine, I still request that you shut up," said Jeeves.

"Oops!" said Peach. "August has it's downfall proposals!"

Peach giggled a bit, and then accidentally pressed the enter button.  
**  
**"_Dear Peach,_

I was supposed to be bright pink, but now I'm green. What's up with that...?

Signed,  
Jigglypuff"

"Haha! As you probably didn't notice, Jigglypuff, while you were typing your e-mail, I got a green colouring pencil and coloured you green! Aren't people so unaware?"

Peach giggled, and then looked at the camera.

"Aren't people so unaware?"

Bowser coughed.

"Aren't people so unaware?"

Bowser coughed loudly 400 times, and coughed so much, he had to be treated for hyperventilation.

"Aren't people so unaware?"

Yoshi escaped from the airtight barrel, and started colouring Peach black with a fine liner.

"Aren't people so unaware?"

Luigi ran into the room with a baseball bat, and started whacking Peach in the skull, repeatedly.

"Aren't people so unaware?"

A boxing glove came out of the printer, and then punched Peach in the face.

"Whoops! Cuban toilet refrigerator directory!" said Peach.

Everyone in the room laughed uncertainly.

"Don't make fun of me!" said Peach, angrily.

Peach pulled out a shotgun, and shot her stomach.

"There!" said Peach, angrily.

Peach pressed a button on her laptop.

"_Dear Peach,_

Got Milk?

P.S When you have a bullet in your head, you should die

Jigglypuff."

"Oh yeah," said Peach.

Peach died.

**The end.  
**I am unbelievably sorry.

(Hoogiman and tiki co-wrote this, one half each. You can probably tell that Hoogi wrote the second half.)

Want to send Peach Mail? Try visiting:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php

Hate Peach? Want to chat to Peach? Spam up her forums!

http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/peach


	11. Ep 11: Tough Questions

**Peach Viewer Mail:**

**Episode 11: Tough Questions**

"Hi, and welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach.

"My show has really good ratings!" said Peach, smiling. "Probably because I'm imagining it!" She giggled.

Nobody laughed.

"Ooh, I forgot to let my audience in!" Peach went over to her sock cupboard and pulled a bunch of hostages out. She smiled at her work, and then turned back to her laptop.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Try to unscramble this:  
uoy aer yvre yrev RVEY DPSTUI!_"

"Hmm…" said Peach, "that's a tough one!"

Peach turned to look at Ness, her guest hostage for the episode. "Ness, you're very smart and… uh… uh… uh… smart," she said, "why don't you try to unscramble it for me?"

Ness mumbled something.

"I can't _hear you_!" said Peach brightly.

Ness mumbled louder.

"Perhaps you should take off the gag you put over his mouth," suggested Captain Falcon, who was tied face to face with Bowser.

Peach removed the gag from Ness' mouth. "What does the message mean?"

"It's an anagram," said Ness, thinking quickly. "Hmm… maybe it says 'you are every privy stud'."

"Lie!" said Captain Falcon. "I'm the stud here!"

"Get away from me," said Bowser.

"Arararararar…" said Yoshi, who didn't really like either guy.

"I don't think that's what it _really_ says," smiled Peach.

"Maybe it says…" said Ness… "it could say, 'us, your every depravity'!" He smiled nervously.

"Ness, you moron!" shouted Falcon. "I thought _you_ were the nerd! It obviously says 'you are very, very stupid'!"

"NO-" shouted Ness.

"Are you calling me stupid?" said Peach angrily.

"Oops," said Captain Falcon.

Peach picked up a red crayon and stabbed C. Falcon to death with it.

"I tried to warn you," said Ness solemnly.

"Woot! He's dead!" shouted Bowser – if Peach had killed anyone else, he'd be crying. Except if she had accidentally killed herself; that would be nice too.

"Letter two!" said Peach cheerfully, smiling a sickening smile at the camera.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why are you so mean to your guests?_

_Sighed, a kind viewer._"

"I'm not mean!" said Peach angrily. "Ness, tell everyone that I'm not mean!"

Ness nodded, panicked. "Peach isn't mean, every-"

"TOO SLOW!" screamed Peach, throwing him out of a window.

Yoshi started crying because he and Bowser were bound to be killed in the next few minutes at this rate.

"Letter three!" said Peach, mispronouncing 'letter' as 'throatwobbler mangrove'.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Is there any truth to the rumour that you are dating both Golum and Smegol? _

_Your Fiend,  
Nota Lone_

_P.S. tikitikirevenge pwns you. All of you. And a hint to the captives, applease tiki. tiki will set you free. Maybe."_

"Not true!" said Peach. "I'm actually dating… uh… Smolum and… Gegol? Geegle?"

"Geegle?" said Bowser, bemused.

Peach looked up the word at Geegle dot com. "I like Geegle better than Geigle," she said, "it really has a more powerful search engine behind it!"

"I thought you were dating Mario and Dr Mario," said Bowser, confused.

"Yoshi?" said Yoshi, looking at the postscript. He quickly appeased tikitikirevenge.

"Hey, good idea, Yoshi!" said Bowser. "Oh, great Brother of the Worthless Author, please set us free!"

The esteemed tikitikirevenge then set them free, grew bored, and placed them back into captivity. He also made a bound and gagged Link randomly appear in the room, mainly for the heck of it.

"Why didn't that work?" said Bowser.

"Actually," said Peach, "I'm dating Sheik and Zelda right now. Thanks for asking an interesting question! Uh… letter four!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_What is 4 + 4?_

_Signed, Ariana_"

"Well, my calculator can work it out for me!" said Peach.

Peach pulled out a calculator. "Okay," she said. "First I press this button which says 'four'…"

Yoshi groaned.

"…then I press this little cross…"

Link woke up. "Hey, what's- PEACH! Let me _go_!"

"…then I press- ooh, 'log'? I like logs!" said Peach. "They go well with chips and sauce!" She leered at the camera. "Get it? Sauce?"

Link and Bowser exchanged weird glances. Yoshi cried.

Unfortunately, at this point, Peach pressed a button which set her on fire. "Oh dear," said Peach. "I don't really like being on fire very much. I shan't do this again." Enid Blyton sued.

"Well," said Bowser, taking advantage of the situation, "since you're on fire, you'd better let us go."

Peach declined to answer, and instead spontaneously exploded with the rest of the room.

**THE END.**  
I am so sorry that I am sorrier than you'll ever be.

Want to send Peach Mail? Try:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php

"I can't get the link to work!" wailed Peach.  
"Remove the spaces, you imbecile," said tikitikirevenge, who was a lot better than his brother hoogiman, and had written a great portion of this chapter.


	12. Ep 12: Lake

**Peach Viewer Mail**

**Episode 12: Lake**

Note from Hoogiman: I got uninterested in updating the Peach Viewer Mails because really, answering heaps of e-mails was too much. So I will try and keep to the original format, only one or two e-mails, more depth into each e-mail, and use the word 'Peach' in every line. Even if you don't like the format, expect to see much more regular updates. Enjoy!

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach, smiling.

"And now, for our first ever segment of, 'Waddaya Know, Peach?'" said Peach, cheerfully.

Peach looked angrily at Captain Falcon, Toad, Bowser, Roy, Zelda, Yoshi and Ness, who were trapped in small boxes.

"Go on!" said Peach, angrily.

"What do you expect us to do? You haven't even explained anything! Actually, you just kidnapped us, and put us in boxes with diminutive air holes!" said Ness to Peach, angrily.

"Whoops, I guess I forgot not to put in breathing holes!" laughed Peach, who then looked over at the barrels.

"Laugh, people!" said Peach, angrily.

Peach walked over to Bowser, and started hitting the box with a stick.

"Why aren't you laughing?" said Peach, angrily.

"_Pe-cough Pe-cough Peach-_" said Bowser, gasping for air. "_I c- c- can barely breath in he- here! No- Not enough b- b- brea- breathing cough holes!_"

Peach smiled dumbly, and then suddenly turned angry.

"I guess you're getting the lake treatment!" said Peach, suddenly cheerfully.

Peach walked over to her computer, played a brass ensemble track, and threw Bowser's box out of the window, into the uranium-infested lake.

"Hahaha!" laughed Peach, sadistically.

"Now, when I say, 'Waddaya know Peach', you all have to say that right after, got it?" asked Peach.

Everyone nodded worryingly, and then paid lots of attention to Peach.

"And now, for our first ever segment of, 'Waddaya Know, Peach?'" said Peach, cheerfully.

"Waddaya Know, Peach?" said everyone in the boxes, some casually, some in a droning voice.

"Sorry Toad, I guess that wasn't good enough!" said Peach.

"Bu- But- Peach!" cried Toad.

"I guess you're lake!" said Peach, cheerfully.

Ness stared blankly at Peach.

"Shut up, little **fool**!" said Peach, doing some gangsta moves. Peach threw Ness's barrel and Toad's barrel out of the window into the lake.

Everyone stared worryingly at Peach.

"Now, you have to say it, like you're schoolchildren!" said Peach, angrily.

"And now, for our first ever segment of, 'Waddaya Know, Peach?'" said Peach, cheerfully.

"Waddaya Know, Peach?" said the remaining people in boxes, in a droning high-pitched voice.

"Yay! Let's run through it one more time, and this time, it's the real thing!" said Peach.

Captain Falcon and Yoshi, "the regulars", applauded, as if they expected to be clobbered by Peach.

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach, happily.

"And now, for our first ever segment of, 'Waddaya Know, Peach?'" said Peach, cheerfully.

"Waddaya Know, Peach?" said the hostages.

"I know, that I am a whale!" said Peach, happily.

Everyone stared blankly at Peach.

Peach looked angrily at the barrels.

Captain Falcon and Yoshi applauded at Peach's "unmissable" fact.

"Applause!" said Peach, angrily.

Captain Falcon and Yoshi applauded, really loudly.

"You **fools**!" said Peach, angrily.

Peach threw Zelda and Roy's boxes out of the window.

"Yay!" said Peach, happily.

"Letter One!" said Peach, pressing a button on her computer.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Go to the lake, and stay under there for about twenty minutes._

_Uh..._

_Not Ganondorf..._

_Link._

_Sin-_

_(How do you spell that?)_

_Sinserelee,_

_Ganondorf_

_WHAT?_

_Sincerelee,_

_Link."_

"Good advice, Link!" said Peach, happily. "I think I'm just going to do that! But first, I shall set my security device!"

Peach reached in her cupboard, got out a nuclear bomb, and set the timer to one minute.

Peach stared blankly at the wall, and then became confused.

"Uh… Yoshi… how do I stay under the lake for twenty minutes?" asked Peach.

"Yoshi Yoshi, hurr hup hurr bum hup Yoshi!" said Yoshi. _"First let us out of the boxes, and then jump out of your window, into the bit of the lake with sharp rocks!"_

"Okay!" said Peach.

Peach got out a grenade, blasted open the two boxes open, setting Falcon and Yoshi free, and then looked at Yoshi.

"Now do I jump?" asked Peach.

Yoshi nodded at Peach, and then watched her jump out of the window. Captain Falcon looked down to see Peach laying flat on the ground, and then looked at Yoshi.

"Yoshi, do you realise, that we're free?" said Falcon.

"Yay!" shouted Yoshi.

Yoshi hugged Falcon, danced around in circles, and then looked at the nuclear bomb.

"Bomb Asplodes in three seconds…" said the talking nuclear bomb.

Yoshi stared at Falcon.

"Arrurururu…"

**THE END**

Want to send Peach Mail? Try:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php

"I can't get the link to work!" wailed Peach.  
"Remove the spaces, idiot," said the talking marshmallow.


	13. Ep 13: Christmas with PVM

Christmas with Peach Viewer Mail

"Seeing as this show is getting so much fan mail, I've decided that we're going to respond to it!" announced Peach.

Peach looked around, and stared blankly.

"Applause!" said Peach.

Silence.

Peach looked angrily around the room at the lack of audience.

"Applause!" said Peach, in a slightly lower and louder tone.

Peach looked at Peach's seats.

"Applause!" said Peach.

Tumbleweed rolled through Peach's room.

"Applause!" said Peach.

Tumbleweed rolled through Peach's room.

"Applause!" said Peach.

Tumbleweed rolled through Peach's room.

"Now I can make tumbleweed soup!" said Peach, holding her hands up in the air.

Peach looked around the empty room.

"Laugh!" screamed Peach.

Peach threw a bottle rocket at the chair, causing it to shatter.

Suddenly, a knock came on the door.

"Hi Peach, we're here to repossess the last shred of dignity left in you," said a bearded man in a red and white coat, staring at Peach.

"Laugh, he cracked a joke!" hissed Peach at the audience.

There was no laugh, so Peach threw a grenade at the wall.

"Uh… Peach," said the bearded man. "There's no audience!"

"Now there is!" said Peach.

"Whaddaya mean? I'm not watching or anything-"

**2 seconds later…**

"Mmmph! GRRMPH!" screamed the bearded man, being gagged and tied up to the chair.

"Well, I haven't showed you how I get my lovely audience, so I'll show you now!" said Peach, happily.

Peach forced the bearded man out of the room with a walking stick, and forced him to hold the camera and walk, even though he was gagged to a chair.

"Oh Yoshi," said Peach, knocking on Yoshi's door.

"ARURURURURURURURU…" came a scream from inside.

Peach barged the door open with the bearded man, and walked in.

"Smile, Yoshi!" said Peach, tossing a gas canister at Yoshi.

Yoshi coughed, blinked, and fell to the ground, unconscious.

Peach picked up the body, and dumped it in her room.

"Okay, now to answer some of my fan mail!" said Peach.

Peach looked at her empty fan mail box.

"Okay… now to answer some of my non-fan, non-hate-mail box!" said Peach.

Peach looked at her empty non-fan, non-hate-mail box.

"Okay… let's answer some hate mail!" said Peach.

Peach used a crowbar to open the giant box of hate mail.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_will you marry me?_

_-Joeb"_

Peach stared blankly at the camera.

"Let's consult an expert about this!" said Peach, happily.

"Dear Peach, will you marry me? Joeb," said Peach to Yoshi, who was almost suffocating.

"Mmprararararara…!" gasped Yoshi.

"That's not an answer!" said Peach, pulling out a golf club from under her skirt.

"…rararararararararararara…" continued Yoshi.

Peach hit Yoshi with the golf clubs. "And that," said Peach, "is what happens if you don't know what to say when the person holding you hostage needs relationship advice!"

Peach smiled at the camera.

Nobody responded.

"Laugh!" said Peach angrily.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" commanded Peach.

Tumbleweed blew through the room and into Yoshi's mouth, causing him to choke.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

More and more tumbleweed flew into Yoshi's mouth until he fainted from lack of air.

"Uh… oh, right! We need an audience!" said Peach thoughtfully.

Peach went into Bowser's room.

"Hi, Bowser!" said Peach brightly.

"Wha…?" said Bowser, before Peach knocked him out with a golf club.

Peach dragged Bowser back to her room.

Peach splashed water onto Bowser's face to wake him up.

"Right!" said Peach. "Let's try again!"

"What am I doing here?" said Bowser.

Peach pointed to Yoshi. "That's what you get if you don't know what to say when Princess Peach needs relationship advice!"

Bowser stared blankly at Peach.

"Laugh!" commanded Peach.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach angrily.

Yoshi coughed out the tumbleweed, which blew across the room and into Bowser's eyes.

"Laugh!" said Peach angrily.

"AUGH! MY EYES!" yelled Bowser, clawing at his own face… in pain. (Well, duh.)

"Laugh!" said Peach angrily.

"Yoshi yoshi yoshi ish!" moaned Yoshi (_that's not funny_).

Peach threw her golf club at Yoshi, causing him major head damage.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Bowser fainted, and kicked Peach in the head as she was falling down.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Zelda started choking, ran into the room and started vomiting onto Peach.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Yoshi coughed out the last tumbleweed into Peach, suffocating her, and managed to grab her cell phone to call for help.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Yoshi called everyone in the rest of Smash Mansion, and told them to bring their crowbars as Peach got dissected by a pin-cushion.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Everyone came with their crowbars.

"Yay!" said Peach.

**SCENE MISSING**

"But… But…" said Bowser, staring at the 23 bodies lying in the sharp rocks below. "How did you do it?"

"Uh…" said Peach, hitting herself with a mallet. "Christmas Letter two!"

"Wait Peach, what has this got to do with Christmas?" asked Bowser. "I mean, it's just like any other Peach Viewer Mail, except there are tiny references to Christmas at the start! I mean, aren't you going to do anything Christmas related?"

**SCENE MISSING**

"Well," said Peach, miraculously balancing on top of the wedding cake, "I guess everyone is happy after all!"

"Ararararararararararararar…" said Yoshi as the steamroller ran over his tail, realising that he was about to meet his fate.

"Yay!" said Peach, winking. "Merry Christmas!"

**THE END.**

I am so sorry. Merry Christmas.

Want to send Peach Mail? Try:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php  
(Hint: remove the spaces)


	14. Ep 14: Machine Washable

**Peach Viewer Mail:**

**Episode 14: Machine Washable**

"Hi guys," said Link. "Uh… apparently Peach is in sick today, so it looks as if…"

Link turned around.

"Peach? I thought you weren't doing it today!" said Link.

"Hehe! No, it was just a trap!" said Peach. "Hahaha! I am so, evil!"

Peach pressed a button on her computer, which triggered a giant net to land on Peach and Link, and hold them up in the air, making them trapped in the air.

"Uh… I don't think I was supposed to trap me in it as well, but, hey, it will do!" said Peach, happily.

"Letter one!" said Peach, pulling something off Link.

"_This garment is made of 100 percent polyester. It is machine washable, and is not edible."_

"Uh…" said Peach, "uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… I like polyester!"

Peach started chewing on the inedible stuff.

"Peach, how will we get out of here?" asked Link, angrily. "You were the one that got us into this mess in the first place!"

"Uh… this Magic 8 Ball shall lead us the way!" said Peach, triumphantly.

"Peach, you're not serious, are you? I mean…"

Peach completely ignored Link, and started talking to the Magic 8 Ball. "How can I get out of this net?"

"_Yes."_

"What do you mean by that?" asked Peach.

"_Yes."_

_STFU Pig_

"Magic 8 Ball? More like, Magic **_YES _**ball!"

_WTF Chicken_

"WTF? Who the heck are you? You're not funny! The rofl pony is funnier than you!"

_Rofl Pony_

"Roflz."

"Sigh, it's no use, there's no way to get out of this net!" said Link, accepting defeat. I mean, if only we could find a **sword** to **cut** through the net. That's right, a **sword**, to **cut** through the net. A **sword similar to the one that I am carrying on my back **to **slice** through the net, so that we can escape free."

"Is Link subliminally trying to tell me something?" asked Peach, shaking the magic 8 ball.

"_No."_

"'k."

"Hey," said Peach. "Maybe we can use your sword to…"

Peach grabbed the sword, and cut a hole underneath Link, and then hopped on him, breaking her fall.

Peach stared at Link's dead carcass, and then looked happily over at Yoshi stuck in a barrel.

"Hey, Yoshi!" said Peach. "I have food for you!"

Peach forced the carcass into Yoshi's mouth.

"Arararararar…" said Yoshi.

"While we wait for Yoshi to finish, it's time for…" said Peach.

Nobody said anything.

"Drum roll!" said Peach.

Summer faded into winter.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach, _

_YOU ARE THE MOST WEIRDEST GIRL EVER! _

_Love Clarissa your bestest fan ever in your life. p.s how old are you 100000?"_

"Well Clarissa, I'm-" said Peach, starting to respond before staring off into blank space. "I'm-"

Peach started counting with her fingers, realised she didn't have enough fingers, took her shoes off and started counting with her toes.

"Twenty fingers and toes… so I'm 20!" said Peach. "That means you are the most stupid girl-est ever!"

Bowser, who was stuck in a barrel, died of hyperventilation due to enormous amounts of coughing.

"Uh…" said Peach, staring off into blank space, "Now it's time for… uh…"

Yoshi spotted a slice of cheese, and extended his tongue through the tiny breathing hole, trying to reach for it.

"Random knife darts throwing time!" exclaimed Peach.

Peach threw the knife at Yoshi's barrel, narrowly missing his tongue.

Yoshi gasped a sigh of relief, before he realised that the knife had hit him in the eye.

"Arururururu…" said Yoshi, curling up into a ball, whimpering.

"Letter three!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_We're mad at you. For your idiotcy._

_Signed,_

_Master Hand, Crazy Hand, the rest of the Smashers, the cast of every video game, and Caitlyn C. from Texas_

_P.S.:This is Caitlyn C. Take me hostage instead."_

"He, he, thank you for sharing!" said Peach, trying to attempt a sarcastic tone. "Hehe! I'm so witty!"

The president came up, and personally spat on Peach.

"Hehe! I'm so witty!"

The gods sent Link back from the dead, to hit Peach in the head with a giant oversized fish.

"Hehe! I'm so witty!"

Some men came to repossess Peach's dignity, before realising she didn't have any.

"Er… ma'am, if you don't have any dignity, we're going to have to repossess all of your material belongings!" said some men.

"Uh… well… you can take my dignity, but you can't take my… Crazy Hand freebie ballpoint pen!"

They took Peach's freebie ballpoint pen.

Peach wept.

**THE END**  
I am so sorry that I am sorrier than all of the sorry people combined in the world's sorriness.

Want to send Peach Mail? Try:  
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php

"I can't get the link to work!" wailed Peach.  
"Remove the spaces, you imbecile," said tikitikirevenge, who was a lot better than his brother hoogiman, and had written a great portion of this chapter.

"O RLY?"


	15. Ep 15: Anniversary

**Peach Viewer Mail**

**Episode 15: Special Anniversary Special**

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" exclaimed Peach. "As you probably know, I mean, _don't_ know…"

Peach started laughing at her own joke, because she thought it was a funny joke which, as a matter of fact, it wasn't, but she thought it was, but then again, it _is_ Peach we're talking about.

Nobody else laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Somebody started banging on the door. A muffled voice said, "Peach, get out of the laundry, some people actually have clothes to wash!"

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Nobody laughed. The washing machine began to tumble-dry.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

"Peach, this is Master Hand!" said someone outside. "If you don't open the door now, we'll break it down!"

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Nobody laughed. Somebody said, "Three…"

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Nobody laughed. Somebody said, "Two…"

"Laugh!" said Peach.

"One…"

"Uh…" said Peach. "Why don't you like my joke?"

The washing machine didn't respond.

_Five minutes later…_

Peach was back in her bedroom/studio. "Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail! As you already know, or should I say, _don't_ know… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh… it's our fifteenth episode!"

"Um, woo," offered Bowser, who was suspended upside down from the ceiling by a noose.

"It's also been exactly _one year_ since the show started!" Peach continued. "So today, we're going to have a special guest star – the creator of Peach Viewer Mail!"

"And who's that?" said Bowser.

"Me!" said Peach. She giggled.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

Bowser laughed to spare himself from another ten minutes of "Laugh!"

"Yay!" said Peach, giggling. "Now… letter one!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_This is a warning... you only have 5 days to live._

_The Ventilation Monster._"

"Ooh," said Peach. "I guess I'll just have to delete that message!"

She smiled at the camera.

"Was that a joke?" said Link, who was tied to a barrel, which was suspended from the ceiling by a noose.

"No!" said Peach, giggling inanely.

"Stop giggling," said Bowser.

Peach ceased giggling and hit Bowser in the eye with a shovel.

"AUGH! MY EYE! OH GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS? PLEASE! HELP ME! HELP ME!" screamed Bowser.

Sadly, this received no response.

"Ha ha ha!" said Peach. "There's a shovel in your eye!"

"I _know_," hissed Bowser.

"Oh," said Peach.

Silence.

"Uh… letter two!" proclaimed Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_You're too stupid to use a computer, so how do you read your mail? Also, Yoshi counts as an animal so you can be put in jail for animal abuse… wait, that's a good thing._

_From: The great, awesome, author that you totally can't kill, Duo Jagan_

_P.S. You know Fox is still trapped in his closet you may want to feed him, or put in air holes… if he's not already dead._"

"Uh… the mail is made of numbers," said Peach. "Numbers are like chocolate."

"You're going off on a tangent again," said Link.

"Quiet, you!" said Peach, scoffing. "Anyway, I read my mail by using my _eyes_. They're the little white things in your skull. I used to think you were supposed to eat them, but I found out that they actually help me see. Anyway, I hope that helped!"

"That made no sense whatsoever," said Bowser.

Peach frowned.

"Wait…" said Peach. "Fox! Oh, that's right!"

Peach went into her closet and took out a skeleton.

"I'd forgotten all about you!" said Peach happily.

Bowser gagged; Link threw up.

"Silly old Fox!" said Peach happily.

Peach stopped for a moment.

"Where's Yoshi?" said Peach.

"He was never here!" said Bowser angrily.

"Oh, yeah," said Peach, "that's right…"

Peach left her room and went to Yoshi's room.

"Arararararararar…" said Yoshi.

Peach took Yoshi to her room.

"Arararararararar…" said Yoshi.

"Now, where were we?" said Peach.

Yoshi looked at Fox's corpse and started to cry.

"Oh, that's right," said Peach. "Letter three!"

"_Tiki, it seems like we've just lost half of our letters. Testing if the mail system still works. Hoogi._"

"WTF?" said Bowser.

"WTF?" said Link.

"WTF?" said Fox's corpse.

Peach hit Fox's corpse in the head with a baseball bat. "Oops!" she said. "It looks as if I'm reading someone else's mail!"

"Wait," said Bowser, "couldn't this be a subtle advertisement for the web site where you can send messages to Peach?" (**see end of chapter for more subtly hidden details!11111 ONEONEONEELEVEN**)

"Uh, no, it isn't," said Peach. "It's, uh, bacon! Ha, ha, ha! Get it? Bacon?"

Nobody laughed.

"Uh… letter four!"

"That wasn't a letter just then," said Link, "It should be letter three!"

"Letter four!" said Peach, throwing a bowling ball at Link.

"Ararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar…" said Yoshi.

"Letter four!" said Peach.

Meanwhile, in China, a tumbleweed factory exploded.

"_Dear Peach,_

_¡Hola! ¡Yo no hablo inglés, así que prepárate a traducir! Tu show no es malo, es estupidamente entendible con amor. Yo!_"

"Ooh," said Peach. "It's written in Russian! Don't worry, I speak Russian! Uh… uh… ¡Soy muy estúpido!… uh… ¿Cuántos pollos debe usted tener que para cruzar el camino?"

"Yoshi, yoshi," said Yoshi angrily. (_That's not Russian, that's-_)

Peach threw Yoshi headfirst into a barrel.

"Much better!" said Peach. "Uh… it's nice to know that people from all over the world like my program!"

"She's actually got a point, for once," said Link, nodding. "Now if only she could act this intelligently all the time."

Peach looked angrily at Link. "Were you insultifying me?"

"Nooo…" said Link quickly.

Peach giggled because she was wearing pink, and then Peach giggled because she was a princess.

"Letter five!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Can you kidnap Link and force him to wear a dress?_

_From, I'm not saying my name._"

Peach looked at Link.

"Well, he's already kidnapped…" said Peach.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Link.

But it was too late.

_2 minutes later…_

"And now, I have to announce… that this is the last episode of Peach Viewer Mail," said Peach, gloomily.

Everybody cheered.

…

…

"Just kidding!" said Peach, giggling.

Everybody moaned.

Nobody laughed.

"It's funny because I almost tricked you into believing that your beloved show was over!"

Nobody laughed.

Yoshi started crying, as he realised his dreams were not a reality.

"Let's check my fan mail box!" said Peach, logging on to her alternate e-mail account.

There was no fan mail for Peach.

"At least that's better than yesterday," said Peach. "Yesterday I got -1 emails!"

Bowser coughed, probably from all of that coughing gas he was being fed.

Yoshi started laughing, probably from all of that laughing gas he was fed.

"…and that's why I stepped on Toad last week!" laughed Peach.

Nobody laughed.

…

"You stepped on _Toad_?" said Link incredulously.

"Yes," said Peach, "and now I am going to step on _you_!"

Luckily for Link. Peach couldn't step on him, because he was tied to a barrel which was suspended from the ceiling.

"Oh dearie me," said Peach, "what am I to do now?"

Bowser glared at her.

"Oh dearie me," said Peach.

Yoshi started whacking her with his tongue.

"Oh dearie me," said Peach.

Enid Blyton came and stabbed Peach in the stomach. With a gnome.

"That hurt," said Peach.

The gnome choked on Peach's blood and died.

"Tastes like sugar!" laughed Peach.

Nobody laughed.

"Uh… letter six!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach_

_I am a boy that likes to be you in every game I play on my nintendo _

_gamecube. I am very glad to see I can write to you on the computer. My handwriting is very awful so I used the computer to type this message. I am a fan of yours and I was wondering where to buy toys of you? I am always looking for you in the markets I visit to see if your in a package. Peach...I am very happy to talk to you so have a nice day :). I would like to meet your friends though and be friends with all of the nintendo characters!_

_Yours truly,_

_Danny Zhao_"

"Toys eh?" replied Peach. "Bowser, make toys!"

"How can I make toys, if my movement is restricted to the wiggling of my toes?" replied Bowser with a muffled voice.

"Uh… Yoshi… make toys!" said Peach, angrily.

"Yoshi, Yoshi hup herr up Yoshi!" lied Yoshi. _"I don't know how to do it."_

"Do you think I'm stupid?" asked Peach, angrily.

Yoshi shook his head.

"Anyway, you can always see me in a package in the market because I'm a package-in-the-market princess!" said Peach.

"That's not funny," said Link.

"Yes, it is," scoffed Peach.

"No, really, it isn't," said Link.

"Yes, it is," scoffed Peach.

The hyperventilation ninja hyperventilated due to coughing.

"Ha, ha," said Peach, "ninja!"

"Yoshi yoshi yoshi!" (_That's not a ninja, it's Daisy!_)

"Oh," said Peach. "Well, now I'm going to read a poem by one of our regular guests, Bowser!"

"I didn't write that, you did!" said Bowser, in a muffled voice.

"I didn't hear you, but I think you were saying I was pretty," said Peach, tossing her hair around.

"No!" mumbled Bowser.

"Okay, here's Bowser's poem!" said Peach.

"_Roses are red,  
Violets are blue,  
Peach isn't dead,  
'cause she wears pink._

_By Peach!_"

"You suck at poetry," said Bowser, wittily.

"But it says, 'By Bowser' at the end!" announced Peach. "So that means, you wrote it!"

"But when you read out the poem, you said, 'By Peach' at the end!" replied Bowser, angrily.

"Oh," said Peach, thinking. "Well, that concludes the 'Peach Viewer Mail 1st Anniversary Special!'"

Everybody cheered.

Peach left the studio and turned off the lights.

Silence.

"Now what do we do?" asked Bowser, wiggling his toes, trying to get himself free from the noose.

"Wait?" asked Link.

"I guess so," said Bowser.

So they waited.

_Epilogue_

Bowser waited for lots of years, but died.

Link waited for a few seconds, then choked on his little elf cap.

Yoshi waited for a few seconds, then swallowed his tongue and died of pneumonia.

And the world went on.

Then they all died.

**THE END**

Really, really, sorry. (Insert joke involving 'sorry' and 'anniversary'.)

_START SENDING PEACH MAIL THROUGH OUR WEBSITE (COURTESY OF TIKI) NOW! NOW NOW NOW! WE CAN ACTUALLY READ YOUR MAIL! STOP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING AND_… what? A link? Okay…  
**http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php  
**Get rid of the spaces.

Note: This chapter was written together by Hoogiman and his brother, Tikitikirevenge.


	16. Ep 16: March 32

**Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 16: March 32**

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. "As you can see, our hired cameraman is a real professional!"

"What?" replied the cameraman, "Peach Viewer Mail? You said this was Oprah!"

The cameraman angrily stormed out.

"Uh… Uh… Our hired cameraman is now Link!" announced Peach.

Peach untied Link from the chair, who before was hanging upside down, being tied to a rope, which led down into a crocodile pit.

"Yoshi? Yoshi Yoshi hup hurr up Yoshi ar?" asked Yoshi. _"How could you fit a crocodile pit into the room? And furthermore, how did you fit that giant pulverising machine in your room? I mean, nothing is leading to it, except for my rope going along this conveyor belt, leading to that giant…"_

Yoshi realised his fate.

"Arararara…"

After Link was untied, he sissy punched Peach, in the face, rushed to the door, and ran out.

"I guess I'm going to have to get a new audience member!" said Peach. "Maybe one of my lovely viewers will e-mail me a suggestion!"

Peach opened her inbox.

"_Dear Peach,_

_You soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet _

_Love Brandon_"

"That's it! I've got to find Brandon!" said Peach.

Peach started sawing her leg off with a saw.

"Mmm grff mmf mmf hmmf mmf!" said Bowser, who's voice was muffled.

Bowser wriggled his mouth out of the muffler.

"Peach, why are you chopping your leg off with a saw? Are you trying to appeal for random humour? Because it's not really working," said Bowser, angrily. "It just shows that you're out of ideas, and you're going to desperate attempts to make people laugh."

Wigglytuff came in, and started sawing Peach in half, magician style.

Schubert did a twelve hour drum solo.

"Yes!" said Schubert. "I got a mention in Peach Viewer Mail!"

"What about all of those magnificent pieces you composed?" asked Beethoven.

"Lousy Beethoven and his logic," said Schubert, angrily.

"I do believe the correct pronunciation is with a p, the s is silent," said Peter the pronunciation Parrot.

"Why doesn't anyone love me?" said the simulated apricot.

"Wait," said Gary the guava. "Since when is an apricot simulated?"

"Simulate this!"

The apricot rolled into the guava, hurting it.

"Ow."

"Like I said, random humour just shows that you're out of ideas, and you're going to desperate attempts to make people laugh," said Bowser.

Silence.

"Boggerbagga," said Bowser.

Yoshi giggled at the irony then screamed as the pulverising machine pulverised him to death, killing him.

Yoshi died.

"Well," said Peach, "let's do a scientific test to find out how sweet I am!"

She bit her arm.

"Mmm…" Peach said, "tasty."

"That's just… wrong," said Bowser.

"Now Link can taste me!" said Peach.

Peach looked around.

"Where's Link?" said Peach.

"Uh, what happened to the part where **Link punched you in the face and ran out screaming that he would never return to a Smash Brothers tournament as long as he lived and even after he was dead**?" said Bowser angrily.

"I think he was joking," said Peach.

_Four days later…_

"I think he wasn't joking," said Peach. "Letter two!"

"_VIRUSATTACHED  
01904810830913810392183131  
13910-3910-391038091873091  
protocol.c;/2908130918301  
901380918390138panhackL  
wipefunction(4.2) c/disk  
138018429 FTPdelete:bootR_"

"Ooh… there's an attachment!" said Peach, clicking it open.

Peach's computer melted.

"Oh no," said Peach. "How will I ever check any more mail?"

Bowser cheered.

"I know, let's use this antivirus disk that Ness gave me!" said Peach.

Peach bashed the disk against the liquid computer.

The computer unmelted.

Bowser groaned.

"Letter three!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Can you please stay away from my mom?_

_And also, have you ever spoken to Giga Bowser?_

_Love (not really), Blazing Fool._"

Peach looked at Blazing Fool's mother.

"Your son doesn't want us to spend time together," cried Peach.

Peach locked her up in an air-tight cage.

"Happy now? Now I can leave her alone!"

The body started to rot.

Marth and Roy started having a fight to the death.

Marth tripped in the crocodile pit, and got devoured alive.

"Heh," said Roy. "What a weak fool."

Peach knocked out Roy with a bag of soft peas.

"Heh," said Peach. "What a weak fool."

The whole county of Leicester came with their pitchforks and stabbed Peach to death.

"Heh," said Leicester. "What a weak fool."

Crazy Hand squashed Leicester.

"The time is 8:00 and it is cheese time!" said Crazy Hand.

The author ran out of ideas.

"Well everybody," said Peach's carcass. "Seeing that I'm dead, there will be certainly no more Peach Viewer Mails! Ever again!"

Everyone cheered.

"Are you going to let me go, seeing that there aren't anymore shows?" asked Bowser.

"No!" said Peach.

Bowser frowned.

Everyone got squashed by a giant wardrobe.

**Mr. Tumnus Viewer Mail  
Episode One: Shoes**

"Hello, and welcome to Mr. Tumnus Viewer Mail!" said Mr. Tumnus.

Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy clapped.

"Letter one!" said Mr. Tumnus.

"_Dear Mr. Tumnus,_

_Do you wear shoes?_

_J. Palmers, AL_"

"Let me see…" said Mr. Tumnus, looking down at his feet. "No. Thank you for mailing in, J. Palmers."

Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy clapped.

"_Dear Peach,_

_MAKE ME A SANDWICH IM HUNGRY!_

_Love,  
Mario_"

"Wtf?" asked Mr. Tumnus.

Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy laughed.

And so, Peach Viewer Mail ended, and Mr. Tumnus never made a second episode.

**THE END**

Even though Mr. Tumnus is not making any more episodes, you can still send him mail. He would be delighted to reply.

**http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php  
**Get rid of the spaces.


	17. Ep 17: Intermission

Peach Viewer Mail

Episode 17: Intermission

Bowser, Toad, Mario, Link and Yoshi had a toast because Peach Viewer Mail was over.

"To us, now that we no longer have to be tortured on a daily basis!" said Link, holding a soda, because he doesn't drink soda, being the responsible person he is.

Everyone cheered.

Peach walked in.

Peach walked out.

Peach walked to Master Hand's office.

"Master Hand, why do I have egg, tomatoes and echidna faeces all over me?" asked Peach.

"Peach! Get out of my office! You're lowering the value of that carpet just by standing on it!" said Master Hand.

Peach walked out.

Peach went back into her room.

Peach logged onto Googleplex™ Answers.

"Why do I have egg, tomatoes and echidna faeces all over me?" said Peach out loud, as she typed on her computer.

"It is because they threw it at you, because you ruined their lives," replied Jeeves, who suddenly popped up on Peach's screen.

"Oh," said Peach. "Well, there goes my twelve bucks!"

"What a scam!" thought Jeeves to himself. "A normal person knows that there is no such thing as Googleplex™ Answers!"

Jeeves cackled easily.

"Why are you laughing?" asked Peach.

"Um… go onto… Googleplex™ Answers!" said Jeeves.

Peach went back onto Googleplex™ Answers.

"Why did Jeeves cackle evilly?" said Peach, typing.

"Because he is a good person," said a voice sounding like Jeeves'.

"Oh," said Peach. "I guess it is time for the next episode!"

Peach walked out of her room.

Peach walked down the hallway.

Peach walked into the room of all of her former captives, and gassed them all. She somehow managed to grab them all and pull them back into her room.

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach. "Because I fooled you all on **April Fool's day**, no one sent me any mail! Haha! I'm such a good prankster!"

"Peach, that was an awful prank. Nobody cares about your stupid show, and no-one would care if it got cancelled!" said Bowser.

Peach made an angry face, and then tied Bowser to a rope hanging over a crocodile pit.

"Bowser, you have forty centimetres left, and if I lowered you five centimetres, you would have only ten centimetres left!" threatened Peach.

Bowser stared at Peach.

"Peach, did you have any education whatsoever?" asked Bowser.

"Uh… yeah?" asked Peach.

"Do you know what 'education' means?" asked Bowser.

"Uh… letter one!" said Peach.

"_Is this really it? Is it finished? NO!_

_Sentrosi_"

"Actually," said Peach, "I tricked you all! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Link and Yoshi looked at her blankly.

"Uh… it was April Fool's day," explained Peach.

"Yes," said Link.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" laughed Peach.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

Peach's inbox was empty.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"You have _no_ new mail," said the computer.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"You don't have any letters," said Bowser.

But then, the rope snapped and Bowser fell into the crocodile pit.

And he was eaten.

By the crocodiles.

Bowser said, "Noooo! Curse you, Peach!"

Bowser died.

The republic of France took away his shell and used it as a garnish.

"Uh… uh… you make fun of my spelling, I make fun of your spelling!" said Peach.

"Wtf?" said Yoshi.

"Uh… letter two!" said Peach.

"You still have no mail," said the computer.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"No mail," said the computer.

"Uh…" said Peach, thinking carefully, "letter… one?"

"No mail," said the computer.

"Letter three!" said Peach.

"You have no mail."

"I'll kill Yoshi unless I get some mail!" said Peach.

"You have no mail."

Peach killed Yoshi.

"Ararararararararararar…" said Yoshi, and then he died, and then the republic of France took him away and sold him to the republic of China where he was used as a sauce.

"Why don't I have any mail?" said Peach.

"Please don't kill me," said Link.

"Time for you to say… pink pony!"

"What?" said Link.

"You blinked!" said Peach.

"So?"

Peach pulled Link's sword out of his belt and waved it around.

"If I don't get any mail from fans now, I'm going to kill Link! Like this!"

Peach raised the sword and threw it…

…at the wall…

…which collapsed and activated the row of dominoes…

…and opened Rune Goldberg's coffin…

…to pull the gun…

…up the hill…

…and pour acid…

…onto Link. Link died.

"Heh," said Peach.

Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy applauded.

"Oops," said Peach. "Uh, well, if you don't send me mail **_now_**, I'll, uh, kill Link… again…"

Nobody sent any mail.

"One last warning," said Peach.

**THE END**

Remember, folks, if you don't **_REVIEW THIS STORY AND SEND PEACH LOTS OF MAIL USING THE LINK BELOW (HEE HEE, LINK),_** people will die… again…

**http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php  
**Get rid of the spaces.


	18. Ep 18: Dark Ages

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 18: Dark Ages

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach.

Yoshi walked into Peach's room.

"Yoshi, Yoshi-" said Yoshi, reaching his arms out, looking as if he were in a drugged state.

"Oh look, Yoshi is so used to be tied up in Peach Viewer Mail," said Peach. "That he's practically coming every time there's a new Peach Viewer Mail!"

Peach opened a sound file of a laugh track on her computer.

"Yoshi Yoshi! Oshi Yoshi, Yoshi Yoshi!" said Yoshi angrily. _"No it isn't! It's only because you constantly drug me with anti-memory pills that I come back!"_

The laugh track file continued, and then stopped.

"That was my best joke yet!" boasted Peach.

"No it isn't!" said Bowser, with his arms clamped up, medieval style to the walls. "It was only your, 'Best Joke', because you played a laugh track on your computer!"

Peach made an angry face, and started jabbing Bowser's shell with a spoon.

"That doesn't hurt," said an impatient Bowser.

"You're right," said Peach.

Peach got out her, 'My first Medieval Torture Kit', took out a javelin, and pierced Bowser in his head, impaling it into his brain.

"Aaah!" screamed Bowser, who then proceeded to die.

"On the topic of Torture, Today, we're going to be learning about the Dark Ages!"

Luigi tried to think of a scathing comment involving 'Dark Ages', but instead choked on his own feet due to the interesting way that Peach had tied him up.

"The Dark Ages," said Peach, "were a time of… uh… uh… dark stuff."

"What on earth are you talking about?" said Link, who was hanging by his feet from the ceiling. "Do you even _know_ what the Dark Ages were?"

"I like dark stuff," said Peach, "such as mud. Mud is good!"

Peach threw a ball of mud at Link.

"Anyway," said Peach, "if anybody wants to know about medieval stuff, you can find out about it today on… Peach Viewer Mail!"

Nobody cheered.

"Uh… letter one!" said Peach.

Nobody cheered.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Please let go of my sweet, sweet Link. He did nothing to you._

_Oh and this is for Link: Attachment: FierceDiety.msk_

_Yours Truly,  
Princess Link-Potter, who, unlike you, is a REAL princess._"

Nobody cheered.

"Why aren't you cheering?" said Peach.

Luigi choked on his foot a bit more.

"Anyway, what this letter is about is medieval stuff, like Link," said Peach. "In the Dark Ages, princesses kidnapped people in silly little green dresses and used them as piñatas."

"You're not using me as a piñata," said Link.

Peach picked up a baseball bat and hit Link a lot.

"Anyway," said Peach, "I'm actually a real princess. In fact, I'm such a real princess that I'm going to choke on my own crown."

Peach pulled out her crown and tried to swallow it.

Peach choked.

"How surprising," said Peach, "Did you know, the dark ages were so long ago, that they had to use telephones to get around?"

Yoshi got so angry that he snapped his chains, went up to Peach, and suffocated her.

"YOSHI, YO YOSHI UP!" screamed Yoshi. "_That is historically incorrect!_"

"Hehe, I was just joking!" laughed Peach. "We all know the Dark Age people had to use helicopters to get around!"

Link looked at the email. "Wait – someone thinks I'm sweet?" he said. "Ooh… I feel loved…"

"Yes," said Peach, "but there's only one way to find out if someone really is sweet, deep down, where it counts!"

(_The resulting scene was deemed to graphic to be viewed by human eyes. As such, know that now, Link has had large portions of flesh ripped out from his skin with someone's teeth, and that he is now covered with icing sugar._)

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_I beg of you, PLEASE kidnap Roy and put him in a frilly, pale yellow dress that absolutely does NOT go with his hair. Thank you!_

_AriNekoGomu_"

"Okay!" said Peach.

Peach ran into Roy's room, made Roy pass out by pouring alarmingly high amounts of dishwasher fluid down his throat, dragged the body into her room, put a red dress on him, and then tied him to a chair.

Roy woke up.

"Oh no!" screamed Roy. "I was kidnapped by Peach!"

Roy looked at his dress.

"Oh well, at least this red dress goes with my hair!" said Roy, smirking, looking at a nearby mirror.

Peach walked around the crocodile pit, jumped over the pile of burning bodies, played on the tyre swing for a while, got a bucket of yellow paint and poured it all over Roy.

"Nooo!" screamed Roy. "It doesn't match my hair!"

Roy sobbed.

"Wait," said Link. "How is it that Peach can fit a crocodile pit, a pile of burning bodies, a tyre string, a chair fort, every single Hot Wheels set in existence and a studio for a low budget cooking show, all into a five by five metre room?"

Peach thought about the continuity errors, then proceeded to smother Link to death with a list of all of the continuity errors and goofs from 'V for Vendetta'.

"That's better!" said Peach. "Did you know, that in Dark Ages, all princes were humiliated and murdered?"

Mr. Game and Watch came in, and complained to Peach about how there were multiple logical flaws in Peach's very thin case.

Peach squashed Mr. Game and Watch with a dictionary.

The paint on Roy's dress dried.

"Noo!" sobbed Roy. "Now I'm always going to look like this!"

"Now to eat bananas!" said Peach.

Donkey Kong rushed in and said, "Did someone say, ban-"

But before he could finish his sentence, Peach forced the tyre swing over Donkey Kong's throat, and choked him to death.

**THE END**

(hoogiman was out of ideas, so tikitikirevenge did a small bit of this chapter)

You could read and review… and while you're at it, you could _remove the spaces_ from the following link and send Peach mail:

**hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php  
**Get rid of the spaces.


	19. Ep 19: Losing its touch

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 19: Losing its touch

"As part of our concern for a healthy diet," said Peach, "we have followed Jamie Oliver's lead, and got rid of all soft drinks served in the studio!"

Peach played a clapping track on her computer.

"You never give us any soft drinks!" said Link, angrily, "In fact, we've been held hostage here for months, and all we've been fed is those slabs of meat from Luigi's body!"

"Uh…" said Peach, "This is the… juggling segment… of juggling…"

"Don't you think that Peach Viewer Mail is losing its touch?" asked Link, being tied to a… um… uh… brick. Yeah, that's original.

"It is not!" said Peach.

Peach manually installed a shark pool into her room, and jumped over a shark.

Or jumped the shark.

"See?" said Peach.

"I think Peach Viewer Mail is losing its touch," said Link, "What's next? Adding new characters?"

Sonic walked in, waving.

"Like we didn't see that one coming," said Goku, being tied up upside down from an anti-gravity… thing.

"Is there any more originality in this poorly written story?" screamed Bowser.

"Looks like we have some mail from, J. Palmers, AL!" said Peach happily.

"Woah… deja vu…" said Yoshi.

"I should start sneaking alcohol into your mocktails again," said Bowser, angrily.

"Woah, isn't this recycled material from the first episode?" asked Link.

"Could I be of any help saving the show?" asked Mr. Tumnus.

"Stop the crossovers!" said Bowser, angrily.

"Aww," said Veruca Salt, "Daddy, I want a cameo! I want it now!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to reason with Peach here," said Willy Wonka.

"ATTENTION WHORE TITLE WRITTEN IN CAPITALS," said Joeb.

"This is getting so ridiculous it is not funny," said Link.

"You found it funny?" asked Peach.

"No," said Link, "But anyone who does is obviously an idiot."

"There are like, internet people that like the story!" said Bowser, "They might attack you! With badly written stories!"

The, power: of poorly constructed; sentence's: killed Link.

"That will teach you to bag Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach, giggling.

Peach played the fake-not-to-get-hurt laugh track.

"We don't even have to do it ourselves!" said Bowser.

"Now, for mail!" said Peach.

Peach opened her inbox.

There was no new mail.

"Uh…" said Peach, "This is the… cooking segment… of juggling…"

"Aww… I can't say, 'Woah, deja vu'!" said Yoshi, angrily.

"To the snail mail box!" said Peach.

Peach ran outside.

The toys started to talk to each other, all with their own individual intriguing personalities and witty anecdotes.

Bowser and Yoshi stared.

All of the toys realised their cover was blown, and attempted to blow themselves up.

Realising they couldn't blow themselves up; they blew Bowser and Yoshi up. Killing them.

Peach ran back in.

"That's too bad!" said Peach. "It looks as if all the mail I have is this large gunpowder bomb!"

Peach smiled at the bomb.

The bomb's fuse burned away.

"Anyway," said Peach, "Peach Viewer Mail can't go on unless we get your mail!"

The bomb exploded, killing Yoshi, Peach, Link, and Bowser. But especially Peach.

**THE END**

I am so sorry.  
"DEJA VU!" screamed Yoshi.

Want to send Peach Mail? **YES! YOU DO!** Try:  
**hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php**

No spaces.


	20. Ep 20: Food

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 20: Food

"Welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach.

Bowser called the United Nations.

The United Nations workers carried all of the captives out, and led them into safety.

"Wait! Come back!" said Peach, desperately.

Peach released the guard dogs, which mauled all of the UN people to death.

Peach took all of the captives back in.

"Aww," said all of the captives.

"As a treat of the 20th episode Anniversary," said Peach, "I'm feeding you food!"

Everyone cheered.

Peach got out hundreds of canned tuna cans, and dozens of packets of chips.

"Yay!" said Link, "I would have died in **exactly thirty minutes **if I didn't have any food!"

All of the captives, who were confined to limited spaces cheered.

"Who wants canned tuna?" asked Peach.

"I do!" said Bowser, with his feet being stapled to the ground.

"Me please!" said Link desperately.

Peach opened the can of tuna.

"Who wants tuna?" asked Peach.

"Me!" said Kirby, running into the room.

Said Peach, "Seeing that you've been a good audience member for all of these episodes, I'm-"

"He hasn't sat through an episode once!" said Bowser, angrily.

"Silence!" said Peach angrily, whipping Bowser.

"**OW!1**" screamed Bowser.

Peach gave the can of tuna to Kirby, smiling.

"Yay!" said Kirby, gulping down the tuna.

The captives groaned.

"Who wants some more?" asked Peach.

"I do!" said Kirby, excitedly.

Peach gave Kirby several more.

Kirby ate them up.

The captives groaned.

"Mmm…" said Kirby, chewing on the food, "This food is so tasty… and food-like… good thing **food is a right**, not a privilege, huh Peach?"

The captives gave angry remarks to Kirby.

"Silence!" said Peach, angrily, whipping all of the captives.

Everyone groaned groans of pain.

"Who wants chips?" asked Peach.

"Me!" said Kirby.

Everyone shouted death threats at Kirby.

"Here you go!" said Peach, handing a packet of chips.

Everyone started burning effigies of Kirby, even though they could barely move.

Kirby ate the chips, and talked about how tasty the food is.

"Can I have another packet?" asked Kirby.

"Sure, my regular audience member!" said Peach happily.

"Need… food Kirby… or I won't… live…" gasped Link, dying.

"Do you want a crisp?" asked Kirby, munching on a chip.

"Yes!" said Link, happily. "Quickly, I'll die in exactly seven seconds unless I eat some food!"

Kirby fumbled through the packet.

"Six seconds!" gasped Link.

Kirby, being ten metres away from Link, rushed towards Link.

"Five seconds!" said Link.

Peach logged onto her laptop. Kirby turned around, to look at what Peach was doing.

"Four! Hurry!" shouted Link, gasping for air.

Peach started a program on her computer that controlled the weather.

"Cool!" said Kirby, standing four metres away from Link.

"Three!" screamed Link.

Peach triggered an earthquake, causing a deep crack in the earth between Kirby and Link.

"Sorry, I can't reach you," said Kirby, shrugging. "Nice talking to you all!"

Kirby walked out the room, taking all of the chip packets with him.

Link died.

Everyone moaned.

"I guess that's all the food!" said Peach, "At least everyone **had their FAIR SHARE**!"

Bowser screamed death threats on Peach, and then described in graphic detail how she was going to die.

"No more food for you!" said Peach, angrily.

"You never gave me any!" screamed Bowser.

"Oh," said Peach, "Letter one!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_What do you think about the new characters coming in the next SSB game? Will you make friends with any of them? Or will you eat them and harvest their souls? Just curious._

_Love,  
razzkat_

_P.S. I AM UR BIGGEST FAN!_"

"New characters coming?" asked Peach, "I never heard that there were new characters… And I would never harvest anyone's soul, let alone eat them!"

"I'm a new character!" said Pit, angrily, "And you said five minutes ago you were going to eat me and harvest my soul!"

"Oh," said Peach.

"You kind of contradicted yourself there, huh?" said Pit, angrily.

Peach logged onto the website, yeah Pit?" asked Peach angrily, "Well I'll try being smarter if you'll try being nicer!"

Peach smiled because of her witty wit.

"Uh… isn't that the other way round?" asked Bowser, "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter?"

"Well…" said Peach, angrily.

Peach glanced on her laptop.

"Well I'll try being smarter if you'll try being nicer!" said Peach angrily.

Bowser sighed.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"_To Whom It May Concern:_

_This is an eviction notice from the Planet Earth. Go away you psycho!_

_-all the kings, prime ministers, and presidents in the world_"

Peach glanced on her screen.

"Well… Mr. all the kings, prime ministers, and presidents in the world…" said Peach angrily.

Peach poked her tongue out, and did a raspberry.

"That really justified everything, didn't it?" asked Pit, sarcastically.

"Yep," said Peach.

A big log… of logness… fell on Peach… ending the chapter.

**THE END**

Want to send Peach Mail? **YES! YOU DO!** Try:  
**hoogi (DOT) brickfilms (DOT) com/smashmansion/pvm/submit (DOT) php**

Copy the link into the address bar, and remove the un-url-like stuff. (THE DOTS!)


	21. Ep 21: Possessions

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 21: Possessions

"Peach Viewer Mail is so popular, that we have received an offer by mail to put this on national TV!" said Peach.

Peach waved her hands up in the air, triumphantly.

"Lemme see," said Pit, angrily, with his wings nailed down to the ground, holding him there.

Peach passed Pit the letter.

"Hey! That's my mail!" said Pit angrily.

Pit read the letter. "It's a letter from the president commending me for my effort and aid devoted to a charity!"

"Nu-uh," said Peach, "It's for me!"

"No it isn't," said Pit angrily.

"Well, how come **I **found it?" asked Peach angrily.

"Because you were going through my mail!" said Pit angrily.

"Oh," said Peach.

Peach thought about that for a while.

"Well, how come **I **found it?" asked Peach angrily.

"Because you were going through my mail!" said Pit angrily.

"Oh," said Peach.

Peach thought about that for a while.

"Well, time to check mail!" said Peach, opening her inbox.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Hello,YOU HAVE JUST WON $1.00! Just send all your possessions to Kirby's __room__! The dollar will be on the floor!_

_From,  
Some...Hollywood Movie Producer!_"

"Ooh…" said Peach, "A Hollywood Movie Producer wants me to make Peach Viewer Mail into a film?"

Pit sighed.

"Peach, Kirby is trying to steal your stuff," said Pit.

"Oh yeah? Well I'll prove you wrong!" said Peach. "I'll put all of my possessions into Kirby's room!"

Pit sighed.

"Well, help me sort out then!" said Peach angrily.

"I can't!" said Pit.

"How come?" asked Peach.

"Because you nailed me to the ground!" said Pit, angrily.

"Well Pit, I think you're lying!" said Peach.

"Look at me! The nails! Everything! How am I not nailed to the ground?"

…

…

…

"Well… well… uh," said Peach.

"AND BY THE WAY," said Yoshizilla, "MY PROFILE HAS HAD OVER TEN THOUSAND HITS!1 GO ME! GO ME!"

"Thank you for that," said Peach, "That was the best comeback ever! You've really contributed to the SSBM fanfiction community!"

…

…

"Well, Pit, you better help me get my stuff into Kirby's room!" said Kirby.

"For the last time, I'm chained down to the ground!" yelled Pit.

"Fine then, I'll do it myself!" said Peach.

Peach moved her carpet, two chairs, a table, a queen sized bed-

"More like, princess sized bed!" said Peach.

The joke renewal authority removed Peach's rights to tell a joke.

Peach moved her carpet, two chairs, a table, a queen sized bed, a snooker table, Pit, Link ('s dead carcass), Yoshi (half dead), Yoshizilla's ego (in such a bad condition anyway), the crocodile pit, the giant-swingy-thing trap that hits you if you stand under it, four tubs of Vaseline, a 'Far Side' calendar, three giant cupboards, uneaten food, a computer, Mr. Game and Watch's 'gentlemen' magazines, a tub of yoghurt alcohol and a pancake factory outside Kirby's room.

"Yay! I have a dollar! What a trade!" said Peach, "That was so worth it!"

Peach dropped the dollar, and it rolled into the drain.

"NUEEEZ!1" screamed Peach, crying.

**THE END**

Want to send Peach Mail? **YES! YOU DO!** Try:  
**hoogi (DOT) brickfilms (DOT) com/smashmansion/pvm/submit (DOT) php**

Copy the link into the address bar, and remove the un-url-like stuff. (THE DOTS!)


	22. Ep 22: Quiche Viewer Mail

**Peach Viewer Mail  
**(Double Episode!1)

Author's Note: Hi, I notice there's been a recent lack of Peach Viewer Mail, so I'm giving everyone a treat! DOUBLE EPISODE!1 Uh... yeah. Tikitikirevenge wrote the first one, which seems to be a parody of everything in general, and then mine's the second one, and it's like... normal. Okay then.

Episode 68: Quiche Viewer Mail  
Guest Written By Tikitikirevenge

"Hi, and welcome to Quiche Viewer Mail!" said Peach.

"Let us go!" said Bowser, and Link, and Mario, and Ness, and Captain Falcon. And Yoshi. They were all tied up in barrels suspended from the ceiling and with Chinese water torture taps dripping under them.

Oh, and a helicopter. They were tied to a helicopter of doom.

"This show is very popular!" said Peach. "That's why I repeat myself!"

Nobody laughed.

"This show is very popular!" said Peach. "That's why I repeat myself!"

Nobody laughed, not even Toad.

"This show is very popular!" said Peach. "That's why I repeat myself!"

Tumbleweed rolled past.

"This show is very popular!" said Peach. "That's why I repeat myself!"

"Oh, please, not more of this," said Link.

"This show is very popular!" said Peach. "That's why I repeat myself!"

"YOU SUCK!" shouted Captain Falcon.

"Hey!" said Peach. "That was mean!"

Peach picked up a chainsaw and shot Mario.

"Nooo-a!" shouted Mario as he died.

"Serves you right," said Peach, sticking her tongue out.

"Arararararar…" said Yoshi.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"You haven't turned your laptop on yet!" said Ness.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_MAKE ME A SANDWICH IM HUNGRY!_

_Love, Mario._"

"Wow," said Ness, "the quality of the letters on this show is really high."

The sarcasm flew straight over Peach's head, bounced off her laptop, and lodged itself in Ness' head. He died.

"Okay!" said Peach. "I can make you a sandwich the clever, princess way!"

Silence.

"I'm going to call Pizza Hut!" said Peach, smiling.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

The hostages who were still alive laughed weakly, because if they didn't… well, you know.

"Yay! I'm so witty!" said Peach. "Letter two!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why don't you start a peach viewer mail licking contest? It would be really fun to read about, and it would make you look really stupid._"

"Uh… licking contest?" said Peach. "Okay, I'll give it a shot!"

Peach walked over to the hostages and grabbed Yoshi.

"Yoshi?" said Yoshi.

"Okay," said Peach, "let's have a licking contest because that random person said so!"

**(Insert scene here which jeopardises K+ rating)**

"…ARARARARARARARARAR…" screamed Yoshi.

Link's jaw dropped so hard that it crushed Bowser's shell.

"Ow! My shell!" said Bowser.

"Don't worry!" said Peach. "I have a Band-Aid dispenser!"

Peach threw a crate of Band-Aids at Bowser. It fractured his shell and badly wounded him. He screamed a lot.

"You were supposed to catch," said Peach. "I told you to catch!"

"No, you didn't!" said Ness.

"Nyuh!" said Peach, sticking out her tongue.

"THE AGONY!" cried Bowser. He curled up into a ball and started beating the ground as the pain overwhelmed him.

"More like, the agogogog!" giggled Peach.

Nobody laughed.

"Laugh!" said Peach.

"We… already… did that joke… this chapter…" gasped Bowser. "You… you evil woman… one day… justice…"

Link and Ness died.

"Ooh," said Peach, "how funny."

"That's not funny, they're _dead_!" said Bowser.

"Yoshi hup herr yoshi!" said Yoshi. (_Hey, you're still alive!_)

"Hey, I am!" said Bowser. "Wow! I survived!"

"Yoshi!" said Yoshi, cheering.

"Hoorah!" shouted Bowser.

"Yoshi!" cheered Yoshi.

"Hoorah!" shouted Bowser.

"Letter three!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_Why in heck's name am I here in the mansion? Oh yeah! Master Hand sent me a letter to come here and be made an official Smasher! Yay! …Please don't hold me hostage! Yeah. By the way, where's Pit?_

_  
-Juliet Gamer_"

Bowser took one long look at the letter, and died of a heart attack.

"Gee," said Peach, "who would have thought that Bowser had a heart?"

Yoshi laughed weakly.

"That wasn't a joke!" said Peach angrily.

"Arararararararar…" said Yoshi.

Peach put Yoshi into a cannon.

"…rarararararararar…" said Yoshi.

Peach fired Yoshi out of the cannon. He flew into the wall, and died.

"This has been, A Day in the Life of Yoshi," said Luigi. But Peach.

Peach Viewer Mail  
Episode 22: Peach is foiled again!

"Hiya Neighbourinos! It's me, your neighbour, Ned Flanders!" said Peach, "No, not really, it's me, Peach!"

Nobody laughed.

"Why didn't you laugh?" asked Peach.

"We didn't laugh because it was a horrible opening line! I didn't see any actual humour content in there, and I don't even know why you would say something as dry as that!" said Ness angrily.

"No daily food ration for you!" said Peach.

"I don't even need a stupid food ration!" said Ness angrily, "In fact, I'm not even tied up! In fact, I'm leaving now!"

Ness left.

"Aww..." said Peach, "I don't have an audience anymore!"

Peach started crying.

Ness walked in.

"There, there," said Ness, comforting Peach.

"Gotcha!" said Peach, trapping Ness under a cardboard box.

"What are you going to do now?" asked Peach, poking her tongue out at Ness.

Ness lifted up the cardboard box, and walked out.

"Curses! Peach is foiled again!" said Peach.

Peach started crying.

"I'm not falling for that one again!" said Ness, smirking.

Peach started wailing.

Ness walked in, and started comforting Peach.

"Gotcha!" said Peach, trapping Ness under two cardboard boxes.

"Curse you, synonyms!" said Ness.

"Hahaha!" laughed Peach.

Ness lifted up the cardboard box that was over him, and walked out.

"Curses! Peach is foiled again!" said Peach.

Peach started crying.

Ness did not respond.

"I've got your laptop!" said Peach.

"NUEEZ!1" screamed Ness, running in.

"Gotcha!" said Peach, trapping Ness under a flaming cardboard box.

Ness got out from under the box, put out the fire, and left.

Peach started crying.

"I'm not falling for that!" laughed Ness.

Peach started wailing.

"I'm not falling for that!" laughed Ness.

Peach started smoking.

"Don't do that!" said Ness, running into the room, "It's bad for your health!"

"Gotcha!" said Peach, trapping Ness under a cage.

"NUUEZ!1" screamed Ness.

"Now we can finally run the show!" said Peach.

"NUUEZ!1" screamed Ness.

Ness thought about a cunning way to get out for a while.

"Can I make a call to my lawyer?" asked Ness.

"Sure!" said Peach, handing Ness a mobile phone.

"No, I need to be standing up, or it… won't be… an official phone call… yeah…" said Ness in a very **convincing **tone.

"Does that mean you'll have to get out of the cage?" asked Peach.

"Uh… yes…" said Ness, blatantly lying.

Peach let Ness out of the cage.

"Free!" celebrated Ness, running out.

Peach started crying.

No one fell for the trick.

Peach started wailing.

No one fell for the trick.

Peach started smoking.

Peach got lung cancer.

Peach took those patches that you put on your shoulder and it gets better and stuff.

Peach got better.

Peach wondered how she could get Ness back into her room.

Peach thought of an idea.

Peach walked into Ness's room, grabbed a tranquilizer dart, shot him, dragged his body back into his room, and nailed Ness's shins to Pit's dead body, who was lying on the ground.

Ness woke up.

"NUEEZ!1" screamed Ness.

"Now we can resume with the episode!" said Peach.

"Can we sum up the episode quickly?" asked Ness, "I want to go back to my room and play emulators!"

"Sure!" said Peach, "Letter one!"

"_Dear Peach,_

_Is it possible for you to eat cheese, jump rope, sing the National Anthem, read a book, slit your wrists, and jump off a building all at the same time?_

_I double, no, TRIPLE DOG DARE you to do it!_

_SO DO IT!_

_From,  
Someone Who Is Watching You Right Now And Is Ready To KEEL You_"

"Mr. Person," replied Peach, "I don't think it is possible, but I will do all of the things that you listed!"

Peach ate a piece of cheese.

"Easy!" said Peach.

Peach tried to jump rope, but failed miserably, because somehow before the first jump, the rope was already as twisted as a very twisted slinky.

"Not so easy!" said Peach.

Peach tried to read a book. It hit Peach with recoil, hurting her.

"Difficult!" said Peach.

Peach slit her wrists.

"That was easy," said Peach, "And the next one looks **so so so soo easy!** In fact, I'll do it with by eyes closed!"

Peach jumped out of the window.

She died.

…

…

What did you expect to happen? Peach turns into Pegasus and flies away into the sunset. Pfft, stupid people who expect awful gags out of me.

Ness did a flip.

"I did a flip, because I am hip!" said Ness.

Nobody laughed.

There you go, the awful gag that you all wanted.

**THE END **

Want to send Peach Mail? **YES! YOU DO!** Try:  
**hoogi (DOT) brickfilms (DOT) com/smashmansion/pvm/submit (DOT) php**

Copy the link into the address bar, and remove the un-url-like stuff. (THE DOTS!)

Send mail and stuff. If you had already sent a really good letter idea and stuff, but it wasn't answered, send it again. I tend to answer the newer ones for some reason.


	23. Ep 23: Peach Goes to Court

**Peach Viewer Mail**

Episode 23: Peach Goes to Court  
By Hoogiman

Disclaimer: Peach is not funny. This chapter really has nothing to do with Peach viewer mail. This story sucks.

**Prologue**

"Hey Luigi, guess what?" asked Peach, walking up to Luigi.

"What?" asked Luigi.

"I'm going to do something **really funny!**" said Peach, grinning suffocatingly.

"Oh boy," said Luigi in a low-pitched voice.

"Guess what it is?" asked Peach.

"What?" asked Luigi.

"I'm going… to tie you up! Because it's funny!" said Peach.

"…" said Luigi blankly.

"Hahaha, get it? It's funny!" said Peach.

"You know what?" asked Luigi angrily, "I don't even know why I put up with you randomly bashing me up! It's time that I stand up for myself! You know what Peach? Your so-called shows absolutely suck! I can't believe I actually let you beat me up 22 times! This is it! I'm finally going to bring an end to this!"

Luigi picked up a rifle.

"Any last requests?" asked Luigi.

"Duck!" laughed Peach.

"That's it…" muttered Luigi under his breath, loading the gun.

"No really, duck!" said Peach, "I wouldn't want you to get hurt!"

"Do you really expect me to believe that there is something behind me?" asked Luigi.

"No," said Peach.

"Okay, then I shall shoot you!" said Luigi, twitching and frothing from the mouth.

"…" said Peach.

"NOW!" screamed Luigi, sweating, trying to pull the trigger with his finger shaking.

"Go on then…" said Peach, "shoot me!"

"I WILL!" screamed Luigi, pulling the trigger.

Luigi pulled the trigger.

"I'm pulling the trigger! And the bullets will shoot you!" said Luigi, pulling the trigger.

Luigi pulled the trigger, closing his eyes.

"And you will die!" said Luigi, pulling the trigger of the rifle that he was holding. "Because I pulled the trigger!"

"Somebody has weak finger muscles!" laughed Peach.

"AARGH!" screamed Luigi, throwing the rifle at Peach.

Peach ducked.

The rifle hit Mario.

Mario died.

"GASP! I just killed Mario!" gasped Luigi, gasping.

**Present Day…  
**_Los Angeles District Attorney's Prosecuting Office Court  
Court One  
10:12 AM 2006/14/28_

"Hi there, we're broadcasting Peach Viewer Mail live from Luigi's trial!" said Peach.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"_Dear Peach,_

_I double dare you to jump out of your window and never come back to your room._"

Peach walked to a window.

Peach opened the window.

Peach stood on the ledge.

Peach jumped fifty centimetres onto some soft grass.

Peach walked back in.

"That was sure funny, wasn't it?" asked Peach.

_PLEASE CAN YOU JUST TELL ME TO STOP DOING THIS FIC BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUNNY WITH ALL OF THESE RECYCLED UNORIGINAL GAGS AND PRACTICALLY THE SAME EVERY EPISODE! FLAME ME ALREADY!1_

"Look everyone, the trial's starting!" said Peach, pointing to the judge.

"Luigi, what do you plead for the murder of your brother, Mario _Mario_?" asked the judge, with an emphasis on Mario's name.

Everybody in the room chuckled.

"Not guilty!" said Luigi.

The laughter was so loud that nobody heard Luigi.

"Ha, that's pretty witty," muttered Fox to himself laughing, "Mario Mario, ha, that's pretty original! Ha, wouldn't that be pretty funny if Mario had a kid called Mario, what would his name be, heh, Mario _Mario Mario_?"

Everyone in the room chuckled.

"Heh, that's pretty funny!" said Marth, chuckling, "Heh, and what would Luigi's son be called? Luigi _Luigi_ Mario?"

Everyone in the room chuckled.

"Everyone, I am…" said Luigi.

"And what if Waluigi's daughter married Luigi's daughter?" laughed Falcon, "What would their son be called? Waluigiluigi Luigi Waluigi _Luigi _Mario?"

Everyone in the room roared with laughter.

"Not…" said Luigi.

The laughter drowned out Luigi's words.

Everybody stopped laughing.

"Guilty!" screamed Luigi.

Everyone gasped.

"Did you… did you say you were guilty?" asked the judge.

"No, I didn't!" said Luigi.

"Then why did you say you were guilty? You are sentenced to death!" said the judge.

Everyone applauded.

"NUUUEZ!1" said Luigi.

"Heh, I guess he can't have a son called Waluigiluigi Luigi Waluigi _Luigi _Mario now!" laughed Falco.

Everybody chuckled.

Luigi was executed on the spot.

"Luigi, more like… no-uigi!" said Peach, chuckling.

Nobody laughed.

"P- Peach… that joke was just lame! I mean… that was pretty lame… so unoriginal!" sneered Falco angrily.

"Oh," said Peach.

"Letter two!" said Peach.

"_RECYCLE!_"

"Okay!" said Peach.

"_Recycle me!" said a big marshmallow._

"Okay!" said Peach, picking up Wario.

Peach took Wario outside as he struggled, putting his body into a trash compressor.

"_Thank you!" said the marshmallow._

…

…

…

**THE END**

Want to send Peach Mail? **YES! YOU DO!** Try:  
**hoogi (DOT) brickfilms (DOT) com/smashmansion/pvm/submit (DOT) php**

Copy the link into the address bar, and remove the un-url-like stuff. (THE DOTS!)

Send mail and stuff. If you had already sent a really good letter idea and stuff, but it wasn't answered, send it again. I tend to answer the newer ones for some reason.

Tell me if it's getting old. I know it's old, but just re-assure me by telling me. Review!


	24. Ep 24: I HAEt this STORY it SUX SUX SUX

**Peach Viewer Mail**

Episode 24: PEACH VIEWER MAIL IS NOT FUNNY  
By Hoogiman

Disclaimer: Peach is not funny. This chapter really has nothing to do with Peach viewer mail. This story sucks.

"Letter one!" said Peach, opening up her mail program.

"_Dear Peach,_

_I HAEt this STORY it SUX SUX SUX SUX SUX SUX SUX SUX it's not even funny HOW DID IT GET SO MANY REVIEWS!!!!??? MY STORY IS SO mucH Better than YOURS It went INTO SOME C2s and IT HAS FOUR REVIEWS AND THREE FAVES I'LL KICK UR ASS If YOU WANT TO FIGHT LOL I BET YOU LIVE in UR MOMS BASEMENT enjoy HAVING nO friends!!!_"

"Well," said Peach, "The reason that they don't struggle and let me tie them up so easily is because I've been slowly pumping them with steroids!"

Bowser started to try and break the ropes surrounding him by flexing his muscles.

"I figure because the steroids will weaken them and ruin their senses that want them to survive," said Peach, "They won't struggle as much, if at all!"

Bowser broke the ropes, grabbed a pair of scissors and untied himself.

"That means I have complete control over them, so they won't revolt and try and attack me even if they do break free!" said Peach.

Bowser grabbed the shovel.

"So I guess that's my explanation, not particularly interesting," said Peach.

"Help dig us out!" said Ness, Pit and Wario, underneath the ground, but they weren't really under the ground because Peach's room was on the second floor and in fact, they were in the kitchen in the first floor.

"Anyway, the next letter!" said Peach. "Letter two!"

Bowser swung at Peach, but missed, setting Mario and Marth free from their death trap of doom.

"_Dear Big-Me,_

_Gimme back my boomerang and 50,0 Rupees by sundown, or you'll never see your precious Zelda again!_

_Sincerely, Young Link."_

Mario and Marth tried to stagger out, but Mario became stuck in a Marmite jar that was lying on the ground.

"Bowser, can you give me back Young Link's boomerang?" said Peach, tying Bowser back up.

"Well I can't give it back seeing that I'm tied up!" said Bowser angrily.

Master Hand floated in.

"Hi Master Hand!" said Link, surprised. "Are you here to save us?"

"Sure, but only under one condition," said Master Hand in a cheesy 80's voice.

"What is it?" said Link, desperately.

"Review Hoogiman's latest chapter of 'The Smashy Amazing Race'! And I'll let you go if you do!" said Master Hand.

"Okay!" said Link, reviewing.

Donkey Kong ran in and had a seizure.

"I really read through all of those ten thousand words and just didn't blindly review, despite writing my review instantaneously!" said Link.

"YAAY!" said everyone.

"I have severe burns on my legs and my arms!" screamed Luigi, running in.

Everybody chuckled.

"But I'm really Pit!" said Pit, taking off the Luigi mask.

"That explains everything!" said Zelda in shock.

"OH MY GOD," screamed Ness, running in, "I MIXED TWO SODIUM PEROXIDE MOLECULES WITH MULTIPLE HYRDROGEN MONOXIDE ATOMS IN LARGE QUANTITIES!!!!!!"

"Hahaha," said Bowser, drinking some steroid juice, "surely you can't possibly have done something so foolish and deadly."

"I'M COMPLETELY SERIOUS," continued Ness, "AND WHAT'S MORE THE REACTION IS COMPLETELY IRREVERSIBLE! IT PRACTICALLY GOES TO COMPLETION!"

"Hahaha," said Bowser, looking slightly worried, "that can't be true. Surely… hopefully…"

"IT'S NO JOKE!" said Ness. "AND WHAT'S MORE, I ALSO BURNT THE RESULTING MIXTURE IN PURE OXYGEN!"

"Letter three!" said Peach.

_Dear Peach,_

_Is Ness serius when he sayz he just did that? Becuz if its true, yer all gonna die. Each n every one of you._

_Yours,_

_DJRaper_

"AND IT HAS ACID!" said Ness.

**THE END**

Stop enjoying this story!!!!!

Want to send Peach Mail? **IF YOU DO YOU WILL KEEP THIS STORY ALIVE WHICH IS POSSIBLY NOT A GOOD THING!** Try:  
**hoogi (DOT) brickfilms (DOT) com/smashmansion/pvm/submit (DOT) php**

Copy the link into the address bar, and remove the un-url-like stuff. (THE DOTS!)


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